Grief.

Last night I slept from 9pm until 11am today.

I think I pre-empted what was going to happen this afternoon...

Pure heart break.

Feeling it coming is the worst; the calm before the storm, I guess.

I can't even tell if the storms passed yet. It hasn't in my heart, but maybe in my head it has.

He's stopped texting me, I assume he's asleep.

Baby has been kicking me all night and I've realised she stops when I talk. It's like she gets a fright, either that or she wants me to talk her back to sleep.

How is it possible to love someone and give them yourself for a good 16 months and yet get only abuse in return... And still have the same flicker of hope after everything that has happened..?

I'm so lost, in myself, in his words, in his lies and his truths (ones I can't seem to seperate). Things he say hit me harder than a bullet would. Atleast a bullet can be taken out. And the shooter can go to jail. But for causing heart ache through text messages and emails; there is no sentence in prison for that.

I wish I could get over him. I despise myself some days for being caught up in this love-net still, when I have had so many chances to get out of it. Maybe it's because, seeing it like a net; sometimes the net becomes a hammock. As in, when times are good, I'm relaxed and happy being in it. When times are bad, I'm caught in it like a fish in a net... I become stressed and unhappy and scared for my life.

I also see him as an addiction; a love drug. The longer I stay away from him... the better I begin to feel. But lately, I can't seem to stay away for 48 hours unless there is some damn good reason to.

Confused isn't even the beginning of how I'm feeling. Today's meltdown was one of the worst I have ever had. Crying in front of people I have never cried in front of and bawling to a nurse (who knows the entire situation) and howling to people on the phone. I want to be in control of my emotions and maybe I was. I needed to let the tears out. I never cry anymore.

Sometimes I just want to turn up at his house and vent everything but I would look like an idiot because he ALREADY KNOWS.

Confused because-I can't stand being told things and then have them taken back.

I don't tell people I love them unless they are worth going to hell and back for; to prove that I do.

It's like respect... Some people deserve it and some just don't. I start off on a mutual ground of respect when I meet someone. They don't deserve it; nor do they not deserve it. Only time will tell. - The same goes with love.

So howcome I can't stop loving him? Howcome. Why do I put myself through this? He doesn't deserve respect after everything he has put me through, nor does he deserve love.

A part of me sees him as a wounded soldier. Albeit, a soldier fighting for the wrong war and wrong reasons but still. Someone who has gone into a huge battle, ill-prepared. And I can't help but love and want to protect him. Even if it's me that's been hurt more. I guess I'm one of those stupid nurses in the war who darts around after people... Urgh, thoughts have gotten away from me... *and the dish ran away with the spoon*. . .

I want to say "on a lighter note" but today there isn't one. I know that 'this too shall pass' and that I should just follow my tattoo and 'let it be' but that's something I always do. And he does as well.

"Fate" "Destiny" "Miracles"... they happen but they're in our control. We control our fate and our destiny, and miracles happen along the way if we deserve them or not. Life isn't a bowl of cake batter, you don't just skid around the edges and dip your finger in every now and again and hope for the best... Life is a cold sink full of dirty dishes and you have to get your hands dirty to get them clean.

I hate dishes, but they have to be done to get the bench clean and to get my head clear of clutter.

Whats getting to me, is people saying "just focus on your baby". Hmm, there's really not much to focus on YET. She will be here soon and I will fully focus on her but for now, all I can focus on are her kicks and movements.

Someone else told me to get a fulltime job to take my mind off him... L O L. My job with my wee kiddies is enough to take my mind off him but when I sit down and breathe for a second, all I can smell is him. All I can see when I close my eyes are his eyes looking back. It's so haunting.

A part of me feels as though he has died. And I think, to me, he has. The man I fell in love with I don't think will ever return. Or I will never see him again, at least.

He bought me chocolates for my birthday and it's so horrible eating them because all that's left are little shells of what 'was'. And that's so *DEEP* for a bloody box of chocolates. Silly hormones from bubby.

I cry when I eat them!!! That is so tragic.

I've stopped myself crying, just by trying to focus on this blog. Which makes for a change because I've been crying non stop really since 2pm (so 10 hours). My eyes are killing me. As is my headache.

Have you ever purposely listened to sad songs to see how far your heart can drop before you bounce back to life?... I've been listening to a few in the past half hour... I suppose it's the only rush I get any more. I can't go to the gym because of my tachycardia... The gym was the only place I could really let go. Turn my iPod up loud (my eardrums sometimes popped) and sweat out the pain. Now it has to come out in tears.

The sad songs are ones that I heard with him, or that he played to me...They were the type of songs I secretly always wished were his way of opening up to me but really they weren't. That was wishful thinking. Like the rest of our relationship.

I have to let him go, I have to let him move on... So I can let myself.
I have to stop punishing myself. I have to get myself out of this mindset of darkness and hurt. I am the only person who can let someone hurt me.

-
No milk today, even though I have a lot in the fridge. I just haven't felt the urge. I did have some yoghurt though. The yummy one I buy myself as a treat... It's honey flavoured (AMAZINGLY thick) and has apricots and more honey ontop. MMhhmm.

Goodnight world...