After thinking about this for days, nights, weeks... I have come to the conclusion that 'our own way' is another version of saying 'our dreams', 'our hopes', 'our vision'.
I don't know why people feel the need to even spark that conversation/argument as it's totally unnecessary to even divulge into the subject of other peoples dreams unless it's a positive conversation.
For example; if someone I knew didn't get their dream job, and they were rightfully upset... I wouldn't say "you're upset because you didn't get your own way, don't take it out on me". . . See what I mean? It doesn't even work like that. Nothing does. And who am I to judge them or tell them how to act?
Two people in my life have said it; which is what got the ball rolling in my head. First off someone said, I was a 'young woman who was not going to get her way so therefore used words to hurt people in a way to get her own way'. Oh yep, sure thing! Does not make sense in the first place, and it's completely belittling to be thought of in this way, but whatever makes you feel better.
I don't know why people feel the need to even spark that conversation/argument as it's totally unnecessary to even divulge into the subject of other peoples dreams unless it's a positive conversation.
For example; if someone I knew didn't get their dream job, and they were rightfully upset... I wouldn't say "you're upset because you didn't get your own way, don't take it out on me". . . See what I mean? It doesn't even work like that. Nothing does. And who am I to judge them or tell them how to act?
Two people in my life have said it; which is what got the ball rolling in my head. First off someone said, I was a 'young woman who was not going to get her way so therefore used words to hurt people in a way to get her own way'. Oh yep, sure thing! Does not make sense in the first place, and it's completely belittling to be thought of in this way, but whatever makes you feel better.
She thought that what I wanted (and what 'my way' was,) was my father to be on board with my pregnancy, but he wasn't/isn't. And I wholeheartedly expected what happened the night I told him; a full on freak out, and me trying to keep it together. I had no expectations apart from the above, and I didn't have a 'vision' or a 'hope' in this situation. I had decided to keep my baby, and push through other peoples problems; for the first time in my life they were not mine. After I told my father, his partner, babies dad (the one who all these posts are about), and my close family friend (who lives a while away and I see the ducks on the way there:) ), I sent them all a joint email outlining why I was upset/happy with the way I had been treated over the past few weeks concerning my pregnancy. In my mind, I was treated like a child and no matter what I said or did, I wasn't going to be taken seriously or treated with respect. As per usual; I was the problem.
I told my father the day I found out. It was a giant shock to me, because I have PCOS (google it) and Endometriosis (google that too) and I was told my chances of conceiving naturally were slim to none. I conceived on the pill, FYI. So I was in a state of shock, excitement (of seeing my 6week old baby and her heartbeat on the screen when I was meant to be seeing cysts on my ovaries), nervousness and fear of telling babies father.
Anyway that's enough of that. Back to where I was before.
Anyway that's enough of that. Back to where I was before.
"My own way" in all of this was to continue with my pregnancy and not terminate just because people thought it was 'the logical thing to do'.
I have never done the logical thing, I have done what appeared to be the right thing at the time. I have no regrets whatsoever. I don't bite my tongue unless it's something extremely rude and not necessary, or not the best place to say it. I don't hold back in telling people how I feel because at the end of the day, I go to sleep with my own feelings and my own heartache.
No one else takes it away for me.
The 'adults' and people in my life have caused me enough heartache and it's all been my fault apparently but the point in all this is that it's MY life, MY hopes, MY dreams, MY 'way'. I've had to deal with my own, my parents have had their own and never really been too concerned with mine even if they caused it. So why should I be concerned with theirs right now when I have enough going on?
The title of this post is '2 outta 3 ain't bad'; and yes it's the Meatloaf song.
1 of 3 being that I kept my baby girl, and that was my vision, hope, dream & way.
2 of 3 being that I am free. Free from being controlled, and watched, and criticised. I am 19, my age still involves the word 'teen' but in saying that, I know a good few people who are over 40 who act younger than myself; not naming names or anything:). I am on my own, with my beautiful little Peach. And we only need people who love us and respect us.
The title of this post is '2 outta 3 ain't bad'; and yes it's the Meatloaf song.
1 of 3 being that I kept my baby girl, and that was my vision, hope, dream & way.
2 of 3 being that I am free. Free from being controlled, and watched, and criticised. I am 19, my age still involves the word 'teen' but in saying that, I know a good few people who are over 40 who act younger than myself; not naming names or anything:). I am on my own, with my beautiful little Peach. And we only need people who love us and respect us.
3 of 3 being that I didn't get to work on the relationship with my babies dad. He is my soul mate, my best friend, my lover. We were made for each other but sometimes things just don't work out. Moving on is one thing, but accepting it is another. I'm getting there.
My father got his way in life. My mum didn't get hers. My babies dad hasn't gone through enough of life to say it's either been his way or not.
So far I have had things 'my way' and then I haven't. I left school (because I wanted to) but it was because of my anxiety and depression. I went straight into full time work (because I wanted to), loved it, but mentally I wasn't ready for the huge change. I was diagnosed with PCOS at age 16, after 4 years of torture every random month that my period decided to come. I had to leave 'home' at 16 (because I wanted to) but it was because I couldn't live with my own mother or father. I could go on and on but you get the idea.
Basically I'm saying that some of us who strive to live out our dreams; can hurt people in the process. They can be so determined to reach the goal with a rock hard arm and hand, that they hit people on the way. They can see ONE GOOD THING in the future and miss out on all the better (and sometimes bad) things on the way because they think they will hold them back. The line between determination and blindness is finer than the line between love and hate.
All I've wanted in life was a family of my own. To be a mother, to my babies; not my parents or myself. I accepted that my dream wasn't going to come easily any time soon because of my PCOS and Endo. But also because the man I love/d, had other plans/dreams/hopes/visions to concur before a/our family. I accepted that and respected it and knew he was determined to make his mark on the world. I still held my dream close to my heart and always had faith that whatever happened would be for the best; not just baby-wise, but all things before that.
And then by some crazy chance, this little miracle came along. I didn't 'keep her' because I wanted my dream to come true; because it hasn't; I haven't got the man I love, therefore I haven't got the dream of my own family. That's where he comes into it saying that 'I haven't got what I want so I'm kicking a fuss'. I think I'm rightfully allowed to kick a fuss when the one person I love has left me and his daughter because he thinks he's not ready.
Life is what happens while you're busy making plans. I didn't plan for her but I didn't plan for him either. Just because I didn't write her into my calendar doesn't mean she doesn't belong in it. I didn't plan to fall in love and to be hurt month after month, year after year. I didn't plan for many things; I didn't plan for my health problems. Neither did my beautiful mum, she didn't plan for her M.S to come along and take her independence away. She didn't plan for the horrible sickness to take over and change her; change her so much she became yet another problem for my father- a problem that wasn't planned for. A problem that marriage vows generally cover, the whole 'in sickness and in health' thing should never be said unless its meant. Just like LOVE; and we're back at the other entries I've written on here.
There are many things and obstacles I did not plan for that have happened in my life. So many of them are barely even MY problems either; they're other peoples issues in my life which I've had to bear the repercussions of.
I've been dealing with life's (albeit unplanned) crap since the day I can remember. I've dealt with mental illnesses in my head and in others. I've dealt with heartache, loss, grief, emotional highs and lows, weight gain, weight loss, violence, lies.... But it doesn't mean I'm superwoman. It means I'm human. We all deal with things. It doesn't make us any better than anyone else. It makes us stronger than before, and more prepared for what comes next- planned or unplanned.
Life is not a competition. Life is what it is. You can plan for sleep ins, but you might wake up and not be able to get back to sleep. You can plan for vacations, but the car breaks down. You can plan for a picnic, but it rains. And you can plan your life, but it doesn't work. Because life doesn't listen. It hears you, but it doesn't have time to listen. It gives you what you need and deserve. End of.
Life is what happens while you're busy making plans. I didn't plan for her but I didn't plan for him either. Just because I didn't write her into my calendar doesn't mean she doesn't belong in it. I didn't plan to fall in love and to be hurt month after month, year after year. I didn't plan for many things; I didn't plan for my health problems. Neither did my beautiful mum, she didn't plan for her M.S to come along and take her independence away. She didn't plan for the horrible sickness to take over and change her; change her so much she became yet another problem for my father- a problem that wasn't planned for. A problem that marriage vows generally cover, the whole 'in sickness and in health' thing should never be said unless its meant. Just like LOVE; and we're back at the other entries I've written on here.
There are many things and obstacles I did not plan for that have happened in my life. So many of them are barely even MY problems either; they're other peoples issues in my life which I've had to bear the repercussions of.
I've been dealing with life's (albeit unplanned) crap since the day I can remember. I've dealt with mental illnesses in my head and in others. I've dealt with heartache, loss, grief, emotional highs and lows, weight gain, weight loss, violence, lies.... But it doesn't mean I'm superwoman. It means I'm human. We all deal with things. It doesn't make us any better than anyone else. It makes us stronger than before, and more prepared for what comes next- planned or unplanned.
Life is not a competition. Life is what it is. You can plan for sleep ins, but you might wake up and not be able to get back to sleep. You can plan for vacations, but the car breaks down. You can plan for a picnic, but it rains. And you can plan your life, but it doesn't work. Because life doesn't listen. It hears you, but it doesn't have time to listen. It gives you what you need and deserve. End of.
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