Don't get me wrong, I like crazy thoughts. I like thinking about the future and my wee girl in my arms, and warm nights with her and I under a blanket. I like thinking about her birthdays and sharing Christmas's with her. But tonight I kept seeing bare legs and thinking about him touching those legs instead of mine. The amount of times I had to close my eyes and hum something to think of a song instead of his voice... Oh my god.
I'm so sick of my brain. I wish I could turn it off. No wonder people turn to drugs.
I've gotten myself through bad days and weeks, but I don't know if I can get through this within weeks. I don't know HOW either. Last time I 'got over him' I had a good(ish) friend who pulled me out of the black hole of heartache every time I stepped into it. It's hard to pull yourself out; it's hard to follow your head when you've followed your heart all along. I suppose it helped meeting new men and realising they're not all heartbreaking jerks. But I can't do that now. I have guys telling me how cute and lovely I am, and they are all interested in bubby but they then say "You don't need him, you're an independent woman and I can tell that just by talking to you"... Which is all very well and true but still, he is the man I went to hell and back for.
I feel like I'm going cold turkey, and the habit is so hard to break. I need a replacement. You know how smokers turn to gum...
I won't turn to food cause it makes me sick. I can't turn to alcohol because it will harm peach. I can't go to the gym like I used to, because of my dicky heart. I can't do anything to vent how I'm feeling apart from cry and it is sending me into the black hole again.
Being out and around people helped/helps but then their voices sound like his, and their eyes become his eyes. I can smell him. My mums hand-wash sent me into a fit of tears yesterday because it smells like his hair product.
I sincerely hope these emotions are pregnancy related and once my girl is here; they will fade.
Being heartbroken and going through heartache is the biggest thing ever, especially for me. It controls me and takes over my life. It influences who I talk to; who I confide in, who I let hear me this weak. And that's a very select few.
I have broken down rarely over the past year. I have kept it all in, or sweat it out. But now the only way out is through my eyes and howling cries. I feel so cold and alone. Yet I'm carrying my baby with me 24/7. I will never be alone again.
Being out and around people helped/helps but then their voices sound like his, and their eyes become his eyes. I can smell him. My mums hand-wash sent me into a fit of tears yesterday because it smells like his hair product.
I sincerely hope these emotions are pregnancy related and once my girl is here; they will fade.
Being heartbroken and going through heartache is the biggest thing ever, especially for me. It controls me and takes over my life. It influences who I talk to; who I confide in, who I let hear me this weak. And that's a very select few.
I have broken down rarely over the past year. I have kept it all in, or sweat it out. But now the only way out is through my eyes and howling cries. I feel so cold and alone. Yet I'm carrying my baby with me 24/7. I will never be alone again.
On the drive home from my friends 21st; I saw the ducks. Through the darkness and fog of 1am... I saw them asleep together by a tree. That is what gives me hope right now... A pair of paradise ducks under a tree.
We *have* to find hope and base our faith in something; although I'm not one to turn to religion, I think paradise ducks are better to turn to... A bit more 'real' and visible; cold hard evidence. And there is no book written by someone about them.
Time heals all wounds and the more I see those ducks, the more I feel my baby move, the more I watch cat videos, the more I see my friends... The more I will smile.
For now I have to stop myself crying and write on here instead. For now I have to put my phone down when I am tempted to speak to him. For now I have to skip the sad songs and repeat the good ones. And I also need to stop putting my foot down for the adrenalin rush; it's so rebellious (ooo) and it feels so good but I am wasting petrol!
We *have* to find hope and base our faith in something; although I'm not one to turn to religion, I think paradise ducks are better to turn to... A bit more 'real' and visible; cold hard evidence. And there is no book written by someone about them.
Time heals all wounds and the more I see those ducks, the more I feel my baby move, the more I watch cat videos, the more I see my friends... The more I will smile.
For now I have to stop myself crying and write on here instead. For now I have to put my phone down when I am tempted to speak to him. For now I have to skip the sad songs and repeat the good ones. And I also need to stop putting my foot down for the adrenalin rush; it's so rebellious (ooo) and it feels so good but I am wasting petrol!
I've been drinking coke all night and eating the most amazing cake ever (sooo good, the icing was just as thick as the cake) and had the best dinner... So there is no room for milky goodness tonight. I have enough in my body, as you know.
It is time for sleep, for peach and I.
It is time for sleep, for peach and I.
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