I haven't written for a while. And I realise that it's not because what I was thinking and what was in my head; wasn't worth writing... It's that I didn't want to admit what I was feeling.
Down patches are the reason that the good patches, are just that.
Before I conceived this tiny baby girl (who doesn't feel so tiny any more!29weeks,people!), I used to go through very extreme emotional phases. Ecstasy, violence, anger, love, infatuation... The calm never came unless I'd downed a few glasses of cheap wine.
But since being pregnant, my emotional highs and lows are less high and low and *just past* the medium for me. I see it like this...
1.LOW--------------------------5.MEDIUM--------------------------10.HIGH
I used to hang around 1 and 10. And now the lowest I feel is 3. The highest I feel is mostly 8.
It's like I'm back on Prozac but I don't have side effects... Wait, I kinda do. Pregnancy side effects... But still.
I love that I won't fall to the very bottom. I love that even when I get hurt; I cry and it leaves me breathless. But then I breathe again. And breathing again seems to make it all better...
I guess I'm talking crap, but for those who know what I mean; well, you know what I mean.
Some days are tragic, and I get asked how my day was... I usually say "Not the best but not as bad as it could've been." Because believe me; I have had worse. Much much worse.
On a different note; thinking back to this time last year... I was living at home, and swinging back and forth between love and hate/ 1-10 on my scale.
2 years ago, I was boarding at a family friends house. I had my own space yet had people around who cared about me. Was awesome...
3 years ago, same as above! I had just moved there. I was 16.
4 years ago, 2006, I was living with my mum in Westport, NZ. I was so different... I was 15... I had left school and was pottering along, finding my way in life. Finding my feet, and heart, everything.
5 years ago, it was 2005. I can barely even think back that far... I was 4th form at high school and I didn't mind it too much... I loved my teacher he was great... I lived at dads... I had boys hanging off me (I remember I used to send 6000 texts a month! How insane is that?) and black and pink hair... Toned tanned legs... Everything was dandy!
6 years ago, 2004, was about the same as above apart from the hair... I was a blonde. And did blonde things. I went to school because I had to; just like 2005. I lost my baby, and a part of myself. I guess I've been searching for that missing puzzle piece ever since. She is not being replaced by Peach; nor will she ever be replaced. Sometimes I think that the wee gap is always meant to be there. It's her puzzle piece; air.
Life changes so much, so fast. It all seems like yesterday. My heart being broken for the first time, sneaking out for the first time, DRINKING for the first time (and falling down stairs and breaking someone's vase.. sorry...), falling in and out of lust, being bullied, forgetting to do homework, butterflies, sleep ins, a house with people in it.... FOOOOOD....
Now it's just me, falling in love with this baby of mine; the only way I know how. It is falling, not failing. Once I was seen as a failure but now I don't even care what people think. I'm focussed on her, and myself.
