Thursday, May 20, 2010
What I miss
Since being pregnant; people always ask me if I miss going to town or if I miss drinking.
I miss the gym. God I miss it. I don't miss exercise; I miss putting my headphones in and gripping onto the handles of the weird machine I loved... I miss watching my heartrate go to 200, 204, 195, 209....
I loved the screaming rage in my head coming out in the form of sweat; and being swept away by my towel. I loved being thirsty and drinking freezing cold water from my drink bottle. I miss the burn in my legs and arms and watching the kilometres add up...
I can't risk it though; babies safety isn't worth risking. My heart just goes up too high (200+...way too high) and I'm already feeling weak as it is.
What I miss most are antihistamines, ibuprofen, and Omeprazole.
I miss Sushi.
I miss chicken, cranberry, Camembert & salad sandwiches from a certain bakery.
I miss chicken, cranberry, Camembert & salad sandwiches from a certain bakery.
I miss the gym. God I miss it. I don't miss exercise; I miss putting my headphones in and gripping onto the handles of the weird machine I loved... I miss watching my heartrate go to 200, 204, 195, 209....
I loved the screaming rage in my head coming out in the form of sweat; and being swept away by my towel. I loved being thirsty and drinking freezing cold water from my drink bottle. I miss the burn in my legs and arms and watching the kilometres add up...
I can't risk it though; babies safety isn't worth risking. My heart just goes up too high (200+...way too high) and I'm already feeling weak as it is.
But I miss not sniffling and itching my face. I miss being able to get rid of a headache in minutes. Likewise with reflux.
In a way I guess I do miss town; but drama always broke out. Someone cried, someone vomited, an ex came my way, someone tried to get in my taxi and come home with me... the list goes on. I liked town for the same reason as I liked the gym; venting my anger. But I don't miss not being drunk enough to realise how gross the men were, or how drugged the 'women' (underage girls) were.
In a way I guess I do miss town; but drama always broke out. Someone cried, someone vomited, an ex came my way, someone tried to get in my taxi and come home with me... the list goes on. I liked town for the same reason as I liked the gym; venting my anger. But I don't miss not being drunk enough to realise how gross the men were, or how drugged the 'women' (underage girls) were.
I haven't changed much. I've become a mummy. I've become the version of me who cares more about someone she hasn't even met yet. I've become my best self; who I've strived to be, for ever.
It's a pity though, that the people I love most, don't want to experience this huge change for me, with me.
I guess it's just me and you, baby.
It's a pity though, that the people I love most, don't want to experience this huge change for me, with me.
I guess it's just me and you, baby.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
You had me
I was an accident.
We were unplanned. We too were an accident.
My baby girl is the best accident I've ever made:)
But to feel like I am a mistake; is the worst feeling in the world.
It's accepting that I can only control my own views on the world;... My own actions... My own voice...That makes the difference.
Three people in my life who I have worked my ass off for to try make happy; will never be happy. Never. And I can't fix that. I can only make myself happy.
It's nothing to do with money; or materials... It's the family dinners, and the hugs... The long phone conversations that end with 'I love you' and 'I love you too's...
It's the heartache when you're hung up on. The unfinished conversation and silent 'I love you' said through tears.
I am one of those people who are super sensitive. Everything either makes me smile or cry. I feel everything. I don't lie, I don't try and fool myself either. I give my all, to whoever, whatever, whenever.
I only ever ask for help when I really need it. I hate asking for money; and I rarely ever do. I would rather go without than ask for help. I don't like feeling like a victim. I know I can look after myself; I always have.
I'm always there for people when they ask for help. I would bend over backwards (can't literally do this anymore) for the people I love.
When it's all thrown back in my face in the form of a text; or a phone call, or a dramatic act infront of a friend... It's all over. You've lost me.
I am so tired of giving everyone; everything. I'm exhausted. I've been myself, all of the time; and been so honest and loved people PROPERLY the only way I know how.
Growing up without the love & respect I know I deserved, has taught me that everyone deserves it until they don't. But a child cannot NOT deserve love and respect; that is so twisted.
I have never regretted anything. I never will. Because I'm happy. And if I regret something it means I'm unhappy and wish I could go back. I don't wish anything. I only hope....
I have apologised/been expected to apologise so many times for being upset and rightfully lashing out at people. SO MANY TIMES. But not once have I ever had a real apology from anyone who's hurt me.
I'm done with apologies because no one ever returns them. Why am I always the one pouring my broken heart out and making an effort to fix things when no one else gives a flying f*** ? It's so frustrating and disrespectful. I'm sick of being everyone's fixer!!!
I'm done with apologies because no one ever returns them. Why am I always the one pouring my broken heart out and making an effort to fix things when no one else gives a flying f*** ? It's so frustrating and disrespectful. I'm sick of being everyone's fixer!!!
My first boyfriend broke my heart after I lost our baby, and he repeatedly said "I'm sorry". I felt sorry for him more than anything. Because he didn't even know what he was apologising for. A few more people have carried on this tradition too.
Anyway. I've had a rough few days with the so called 'family' I thought I was a part of.
I don't know if I'm the ugly duckling or the black sheep but whatever the hell I am; I'm sure as hell nothing like the people I came from or love.
So; to all the important people in my life. Know I have loved you with everything I have, I have always done the best by you and our relationships. I respected you once. I looked up to you. I loved you.
You had me 24/7, whenever you needed me, for whatever. I was there for you.
I'm not any more.
You know who you are; who you've been in my life... How important you were. And how HORRIBLY you have hurt me.
The only way for me to get through heartache is to leave it behind and ignore it. I've done it before. So many times. I have done it again; I did it last night. I spent 6 hours with 2 (different people) very special people in my life who know how much I care about them and they actually return the respect. They are my family. They don't lie to me, they care, they show me they care too. I'm sick of the people in my life who are all talk. They do nothing about anything. Talk the talk only if you'll walk the walk because if I'm willing to hold your bloody hand while you walk then why won't you!?
Done. Done done done.
Monday, May 17, 2010
The perfect song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bhip6_ynBn0
This makes me want to meet my little crazy girl RIGHT NOW. I love her so much... It's insane.
I've had issues in the past. They are completely gone. My head has never been this clear in my life. I've never not had gut pain apart from now.... The headaches are gone, finally. I can eat normally. I am healthy for the first time in a hell of a long time.
I have amazing energy surges that I've never had before. . .
I'm extremely grateful for those who are helping me... I am so much more appreciative of the great people in my life who are truly amazing... In many ways.
Pregnancy makes you have crazy hormone levels right? Well; I think it's the same for every one else around as well. I'm really beginning to see who my true friends are. Likewise with my family. Those who I loved; are no longer mine to love. It's hard to explain and unless you're inside my head, you won't get it.
I think I'm finally living by my tattoo; Let it be.
I'm letting go of things that were too painful to hold onto. And keeping my hands free until this beautiful little girl comes into the big bad world for me to hold. She won't cause me pain. Sleepless nights; sore back... Tears.. But nothing like the pain I've experienced from the other people in my life.
Life, huh.
I've had issues in the past. They are completely gone. My head has never been this clear in my life. I've never not had gut pain apart from now.... The headaches are gone, finally. I can eat normally. I am healthy for the first time in a hell of a long time.
I have amazing energy surges that I've never had before. . .
I'm extremely grateful for those who are helping me... I am so much more appreciative of the great people in my life who are truly amazing... In many ways.
Pregnancy makes you have crazy hormone levels right? Well; I think it's the same for every one else around as well. I'm really beginning to see who my true friends are. Likewise with my family. Those who I loved; are no longer mine to love. It's hard to explain and unless you're inside my head, you won't get it.
I think I'm finally living by my tattoo; Let it be.
I'm letting go of things that were too painful to hold onto. And keeping my hands free until this beautiful little girl comes into the big bad world for me to hold. She won't cause me pain. Sleepless nights; sore back... Tears.. But nothing like the pain I've experienced from the other people in my life.
Life, huh.
to you
Love isn't finding a perfect person.
It's seeing an imperfect person, perfectly.
Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed; to those who still believe even though
they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Milkless Sunday
I've run out of milk. . . Well, I haven't but the fridge has.
I wish there were taps for cold milk and not just water. I wish there was a juice tap, milk tap, and water. Perfecto.
I also wish my stupid neighbours would shut up. Almost 4 nights in a row now of bassy music. I hate it.. I hate it.
I also wish my stupid neighbours would shut up. Almost 4 nights in a row now of bassy music. I hate it.. I hate it.
My back is killing me... I suppose it's from carrying this little tub of a girl around ;). All worth it, but my god! I know it's only going to get worse..
Autumn/Winter are my favourite seasons and I'm beginning to wonder why... Summer is too hot and you can't escape the heat. And Winter is cold; but you can get warm inside. It's easier to have both hot and cold temperatures to alternate back and forth from... Rather than just one.
The rains pouring down and I'm thinking it's time for sleep. I'm sure there will be some horrible dreams in tow from the day I've had today.
Sometimes things are so perfect that they're scary. Like leaves under your feet that look like stars; putting into perspective exactly how much everything *at that moment* is upside down.
The rains pouring down and I'm thinking it's time for sleep. I'm sure there will be some horrible dreams in tow from the day I've had today.
Sometimes things are so perfect that they're scary. Like leaves under your feet that look like stars; putting into perspective exactly how much everything *at that moment* is upside down.
Life can be perfect if only for an hour or so... But like I always say; the good/perfect days are worth the bad/imperfect days. I would rather have good and bad than boring!
Saw some paradise ducks today; got a wee bit teary eyed. They are so gorgeous. I then heard another female calling for her mate and it made me wonder; what d0 ducks think about? ...
Time for sleep and weird thoughts about duckies.
Time for sleep and weird thoughts about duckies.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Where were you when I needed you?
I've had this headache for a good 4 hours now. It won't go. It's only getting worse....
Probably getting worse because I've been crying over my poor wee ratty, Finch. I've found a tumour under her armpit. It's roughly the size of an Apricot pip.
Operating on them isn't so much a waste of money, but the chances of the tumour returning are very likely. I feel so awful.
This happened in 2008 with my last two rats; Hoo and Roo. Roo got her tumour first and had to get it sucked out by the vet, then Hoo got hers. Unfortunately I had to get them both put down. I couldn't take them to do it because my heart was already in pieces. They were so cute and again, little characters.
Finch is apricot coloured with a white belly... She is rather obese... She rolls around and attempts to fit in gaps that she just doesn't fit in. I don't know why she bothers trying but god loves a trier, huh? She boggles her eyes when I go in in the morning and talk to them. She stashes her food in the 'toilet corner'. And she holds on to her wee when I have her out and about in the lounge or bed. She just goes really still and acts like she's doing it but she's not. So I put her back in the cage and she lets it all go. Very cute, even if I am talking about rat urine.
Fawn is albino and can't see very well... She bites a lot. I put her biting down to her eyesight but maybe she's just vicious.. She likes to grab food and does it quite scarily. She isn't fat at all; she's the opposite. Yet seems to eat more.. So who knows.
But wee Finchy is the unlucky bearer of a tumour this time. I'm sure that because they are sisters; Fawn will get hers soon enough. It's so heartbreaking. I'll have to get them both put down. I knew the day would come when they wouldn't wake up but for me to have to be the one to decide what day that is.... It's horrible :(
Operating on them isn't so much a waste of money, but the chances of the tumour returning are very likely. I feel so awful.
This happened in 2008 with my last two rats; Hoo and Roo. Roo got her tumour first and had to get it sucked out by the vet, then Hoo got hers. Unfortunately I had to get them both put down. I couldn't take them to do it because my heart was already in pieces. They were so cute and again, little characters.
Finch is apricot coloured with a white belly... She is rather obese... She rolls around and attempts to fit in gaps that she just doesn't fit in. I don't know why she bothers trying but god loves a trier, huh? She boggles her eyes when I go in in the morning and talk to them. She stashes her food in the 'toilet corner'. And she holds on to her wee when I have her out and about in the lounge or bed. She just goes really still and acts like she's doing it but she's not. So I put her back in the cage and she lets it all go. Very cute, even if I am talking about rat urine.
Fawn is albino and can't see very well... She bites a lot. I put her biting down to her eyesight but maybe she's just vicious.. She likes to grab food and does it quite scarily. She isn't fat at all; she's the opposite. Yet seems to eat more.. So who knows.
But wee Finchy is the unlucky bearer of a tumour this time. I'm sure that because they are sisters; Fawn will get hers soon enough. It's so heartbreaking. I'll have to get them both put down. I knew the day would come when they wouldn't wake up but for me to have to be the one to decide what day that is.... It's horrible :(
So the headache is still here. My reflux is here too, thanks Peach. My heart... aching.
Why are we here for people when they 'need' us, yet they can never repay the favour until it suits them? Being unconditionally in love (is not hard) means being there for the other person 24/7 whether you have time or not. Expectations don't change.
Being a good friend involves the above as well.
I'm exhausted.
Milk and sleeptime.
Why are we here for people when they 'need' us, yet they can never repay the favour until it suits them? Being unconditionally in love (is not hard) means being there for the other person 24/7 whether you have time or not. Expectations don't change.
Being a good friend involves the above as well.
I'm exhausted.
Milk and sleeptime.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Things that make me, ME
I've been doing certain things lately and been quite baffled as to why I do them. I think it's just part of who I am but my god, I've realised how weird I really am...
For example; my sense of smell is my strongest sense. I'm always the one at a party who sniffs out something dead in the fridge, or in the garden, even after a bottle of wine I can still smell something unusual. It's so twisted. Certain smells make me feel at home, and some make me extremely uncomfortable. Old books; I love the smell of them. Libraries; I could live in one! Clean washing, mmmmm. Sunshine on things... Like linen or clothes. Makes things smell that much better. I *love* the smell of baby products... Like the sleepytime bath range... I can't wait to use them on Peach :)
For example; my sense of smell is my strongest sense. I'm always the one at a party who sniffs out something dead in the fridge, or in the garden, even after a bottle of wine I can still smell something unusual. It's so twisted. Certain smells make me feel at home, and some make me extremely uncomfortable. Old books; I love the smell of them. Libraries; I could live in one! Clean washing, mmmmm. Sunshine on things... Like linen or clothes. Makes things smell that much better. I *love* the smell of baby products... Like the sleepytime bath range... I can't wait to use them on Peach :)
I get sidetracked SO easily. Doing the dishes turns into doing the washing. Doing the washing turns into watching something on tv and falling asleep. Making tea turns into doing the dishes and so forth. Cleaning my room... I always seem to find something to stop me from doing this. Like this blog post ...
EYES. Indeed, they are the window to the soul and that's perhaps why I get a bit freaked out by them. I have never been one to open my eyes whilst in the midst of a kiss; but when I do... It's totally offputting if I see the other person has their eyes open. But also during arguments or speaking words of truth, I can't make eye contact because it makes me either want to kiss the person or smack the crap out of them. That's talking about two different people by the way. Don't want to seem like more of a weirdo.
I love Spongebob... It's kind of scary how much I love the program. It's for kids for goodness sake! Squidward is the best, he's so grumpy but underneath it he's all 'don't leave me...' and I love that vulnerability in people/squids. It's so real and raw.
I love spontaneity. Random trips to places I love... Or have never been to. I love going out at night; anywhere. I love walks late at night when everyone around is asleep. I used to live in a somewhat quiet and 'posh' area; it was safe enough for me to go walkabout alone at 4am. Sometimes I'd end up at the servo and I'd find myself deep in discussion with the guys behind the counter. Other times I'd snap back to life while on the swing at the park. . . Oh those were the days. The days where I'd sneak out to meet someone and we'd walk around my school in the dead of night and set off alarms and wake the caretaker... Get stuck in flax bushes and walk on the railway track. I had pink and black hair and wore size 8 in those days. Now my hairs dark brown, and I barely fit 12 anymore because of my giant bump. No problemo; it's totally worth it.
I love Spongebob... It's kind of scary how much I love the program. It's for kids for goodness sake! Squidward is the best, he's so grumpy but underneath it he's all 'don't leave me...' and I love that vulnerability in people/squids. It's so real and raw.
I love spontaneity. Random trips to places I love... Or have never been to. I love going out at night; anywhere. I love walks late at night when everyone around is asleep. I used to live in a somewhat quiet and 'posh' area; it was safe enough for me to go walkabout alone at 4am. Sometimes I'd end up at the servo and I'd find myself deep in discussion with the guys behind the counter. Other times I'd snap back to life while on the swing at the park. . . Oh those were the days. The days where I'd sneak out to meet someone and we'd walk around my school in the dead of night and set off alarms and wake the caretaker... Get stuck in flax bushes and walk on the railway track. I had pink and black hair and wore size 8 in those days. Now my hairs dark brown, and I barely fit 12 anymore because of my giant bump. No problemo; it's totally worth it.
I prefer The Eagles to ANYONE these days. Any new music; urgh. I mean... Sometimes I find something I like but I'll be 'over it' within a week because the radio plays it so much. Tears for Fears; Everybody wants to rule the world... Best song, and yes I realise they are not The Eagles but still.
Falling asleep is my favourite part of the day. Every night without fail I say to myself "WHY DIDN'T I DO THIS EARLIER".... Good question.
I get depressed at the drop of a hat. But who doesn't?... I an get myself out of it as easily as I got myself into it. Still sucks.
I have an obsession with getting excited over books... It's really bad. I once spent 4 hours in Borders just sitting there reading bits of books because I didn't know which one to buy. I eventually went to the library but still. I buy/get out a book and every day I get butterflies thinking about reading it but then I never do!!! Bad. Bad bad bad.
I can't stand hot showers, hot pools, baths, spas, earplugs, hats, scarves, sunglasses... The hot water thing; it's the steam and I get all itchy. I had a hot shower the other night then turned it straight to cold because I was getting grumpy. Spas- oh don't get me started. Baths... The idea's nice but after 10 minutes I just want an iceblock... It's ridiculous. Earplugs hats sunglasses and scarves- I like my face being clear of things. I would be a grumpy mess if I had a fringe.
I can't stand hot showers, hot pools, baths, spas, earplugs, hats, scarves, sunglasses... The hot water thing; it's the steam and I get all itchy. I had a hot shower the other night then turned it straight to cold because I was getting grumpy. Spas- oh don't get me started. Baths... The idea's nice but after 10 minutes I just want an iceblock... It's ridiculous. Earplugs hats sunglasses and scarves- I like my face being clear of things. I would be a grumpy mess if I had a fringe.
I have always had cravings my whole life; not just for flavours but for textures... Like the smooshing of a sandwich when your teeth bite through it...*drool*. Or the crack of an icecream as you try fit it all in your mouth...
On that subject; I have a secret addiction to 'fake' flavours... e.g imitation banana, imitation strawberry...raspberry...lemon... etc. Banoffee Pie toffee pops- if you've ever tried them you know what I mean about the imitation narnie flavour. Strawberry- the gummy strawberry lollies.. YARRRM. Raspberry icing. Lemon flavoured skittles.
I have spent the last 2 hours returning back and forth to this post; in between writing I have been vacuuming, cleaning, unpacking (I've lived in my 'new place' for nearly 2 months now) and throwing crap away.
Life is all pretty good today. Minus a few things. But if I don't write them- they're non existent to my eyes and therefore non existent! tadahh...
Oh, and my big brother bought his first house today! So proud of him, so so so proud. He is proof (to me) that you can be an amazing, gentle, lovely man and still achieve great things. Love you so much.
On that subject; I have a secret addiction to 'fake' flavours... e.g imitation banana, imitation strawberry...raspberry...lemon... etc. Banoffee Pie toffee pops- if you've ever tried them you know what I mean about the imitation narnie flavour. Strawberry- the gummy strawberry lollies.. YARRRM. Raspberry icing. Lemon flavoured skittles.
I have spent the last 2 hours returning back and forth to this post; in between writing I have been vacuuming, cleaning, unpacking (I've lived in my 'new place' for nearly 2 months now) and throwing crap away.
Life is all pretty good today. Minus a few things. But if I don't write them- they're non existent to my eyes and therefore non existent! tadahh...
Oh, and my big brother bought his first house today! So proud of him, so so so proud. He is proof (to me) that you can be an amazing, gentle, lovely man and still achieve great things. Love you so much.
:)
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Technology
What would our world be like without cellphones & internet?
Would we be angrier?
...Calmer?
Would we be angrier?
...Calmer?
...Would we write longer letters, or would they be much much shorter...
Would we just do things impulsively? Would we turn up somewhere unannounced. Would we walk in on heartache, or would we walk out without silently saying goodbye via text.
Who would we be? Would I be more 'me' or would I be less.
It's a form of communication yes; but we rely far too much on it.
The amount of times I have tuned in for the sound of my doorbell, only to be frightened back to reality by my cellphone beeping.
I use my phone to say good morning; but I would do anything to verbally say it and make eye contact while saying it.
Something so normal is now so uncommon and rare; beautiful.
I've learnt never take the good-morning's for granted because all too fast, they become goodbye's.
When my girl arrives, I will teach her how to be a human. And to be dictated by herself not a manual... Or a beep, or a status update, a notification... an email.
I'll teach her what love is; by showing her everyday. She will learn about the other emotions as time goes by but as long as I teach her one valuable life lesson then that is good enough for me.
I was just thinking; in relationships, one person usually has to get hurt. And it's generally always the same person. . . Until a new relationship starts, and you can swap places. And become the person who *causes* the hurt. But who's to say that you can't break the pattern?...
I've been hurt; but in my next relationship, I still wont be passing that on. I won't be breaking any hearts... Thanks but no thanks!
Would we just do things impulsively? Would we turn up somewhere unannounced. Would we walk in on heartache, or would we walk out without silently saying goodbye via text.
Who would we be? Would I be more 'me' or would I be less.
It's a form of communication yes; but we rely far too much on it.
The amount of times I have tuned in for the sound of my doorbell, only to be frightened back to reality by my cellphone beeping.
I use my phone to say good morning; but I would do anything to verbally say it and make eye contact while saying it.
Something so normal is now so uncommon and rare; beautiful.
I've learnt never take the good-morning's for granted because all too fast, they become goodbye's.
When my girl arrives, I will teach her how to be a human. And to be dictated by herself not a manual... Or a beep, or a status update, a notification... an email.
I'll teach her what love is; by showing her everyday. She will learn about the other emotions as time goes by but as long as I teach her one valuable life lesson then that is good enough for me.
I was just thinking; in relationships, one person usually has to get hurt. And it's generally always the same person. . . Until a new relationship starts, and you can swap places. And become the person who *causes* the hurt. But who's to say that you can't break the pattern?...
I've been hurt; but in my next relationship, I still wont be passing that on. I won't be breaking any hearts... Thanks but no thanks!
I think I've only ever hurt one person.. Ok maybe 2... or 3. But it was honesty that hurt them. I didn't lead them on and I *couldn't*. So the truth had to be said and that was the fact I wasn't happy in the relationship; I could be myself, I could be fun, yes we did have some good times; but they weren't the type of good times I could see myself remembering for life. Unlike others.
Unlike some women; I don't compare new relationships to old ones. I don't compare new boyfriends to 'old' ones. I used to. Until I realised I didn't really NEED another Ben, or James... Or Logan. One was enough, and the past is the past. I don't want to revisit things.
People sell houses, they buy new clothes, they dye their hair. They cry, they scream, yell, speed... But it makes no difference. I went shopping today to find new clothes to fit my baby bump. ALL the maternity ranges are gigantic! I'm only 5ft2" if that. And the 'long drapey cardi's come down to my freaking knees. I look like a bag lady from the streets; not the look I'm going for just yet. I got really angry when I was shopping because I ended up buying baby clothes rather than my own. Wait, no, I did get a couple things for myself. I got a singlet (that's long enough to cover my bum, it's HUGE) and some mascara. JOY.
Right now I am __________ that close to smashing something. In fact I used to. When I lived at home I think I purposely smashed things because I had no way to vent. I miss the gym, SO MUCH... I have an inch of an anger problem I think... Just a wee bit of a problem. But it's far better than the anxiety disorder I have had for years. I'd rather have smashed my shell than hide in it ;)
People sell houses, they buy new clothes, they dye their hair. They cry, they scream, yell, speed... But it makes no difference. I went shopping today to find new clothes to fit my baby bump. ALL the maternity ranges are gigantic! I'm only 5ft2" if that. And the 'long drapey cardi's come down to my freaking knees. I look like a bag lady from the streets; not the look I'm going for just yet. I got really angry when I was shopping because I ended up buying baby clothes rather than my own. Wait, no, I did get a couple things for myself. I got a singlet (that's long enough to cover my bum, it's HUGE) and some mascara. JOY.
Right now I am __________ that close to smashing something. In fact I used to. When I lived at home I think I purposely smashed things because I had no way to vent. I miss the gym, SO MUCH... I have an inch of an anger problem I think... Just a wee bit of a problem. But it's far better than the anxiety disorder I have had for years. I'd rather have smashed my shell than hide in it ;)
I saw the ducks again today. Brought a tear to my eyes.. Honestly I am pathetic but they are so gorgeous... they stood there talking then just walked towards the river. "Oh come on Jacqueline, it's a nice day. I know you have a new colour through your feathers but it's not going to run, I promise. Quack quack QUAAACK."...
Milk time.
Milk time.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Somewhere out there
Today's been horrible. Another Monday (with milk in the fridge, surprisingly... If only 300mls or so left) and I'm glad it's over.
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and have the weather be different to today's.
I can't wait to listen to my new cd in the car and turn it up and block out my thoughts.
Tomorrow is Tuesday. Tomorrow is a new day. And I have to forget today. I have to be start off happy and pray that I remain happy. In fact, I won't let myself NOT be happy.
Peach has been moving a lot today; causing bad heartburn. And the kids at work were unsurprisingly; unhappy and DEAF today. Decided not to listen to anything I said, and all the rest that goes with Monday-itis..!
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and have the weather be different to today's.
I can't wait to listen to my new cd in the car and turn it up and block out my thoughts.
Tomorrow is Tuesday. Tomorrow is a new day. And I have to forget today. I have to be start off happy and pray that I remain happy. In fact, I won't let myself NOT be happy.
Peach has been moving a lot today; causing bad heartburn. And the kids at work were unsurprisingly; unhappy and DEAF today. Decided not to listen to anything I said, and all the rest that goes with Monday-itis..!
Today a few things have 'gotten to me'. I won't go into them, nor will I name names. I'll just say that I have been hurt badly, pissed off, aggrivated... Sworn at, belittled.. Goes on and on.
The good thing about 'bad days' is that we are so much more appreciative of the good days. We don't see them coming; we can't plan for them (;)), and they're unexpected packages of amazingness. When everything flows properly; your clothes fit perfectly, you don't get hungry after you've just eaten, traffic is decent, people are off your back and genuinely nice, nothing bad happens...
I pray for those days.
I wish and let the people up there *points* hear me. I speak to the stars... Even though they don't have ears; they seem to listen to me better than other people in my life do.
The good thing about 'bad days' is that we are so much more appreciative of the good days. We don't see them coming; we can't plan for them (;)), and they're unexpected packages of amazingness. When everything flows properly; your clothes fit perfectly, you don't get hungry after you've just eaten, traffic is decent, people are off your back and genuinely nice, nothing bad happens...
I pray for those days.
I wish and let the people up there *points* hear me. I speak to the stars... Even though they don't have ears; they seem to listen to me better than other people in my life do.
I have faith in myself but I also have faith that there is someone out there, somewhere out there, for me. That he will come along somehow, just like the good days do; unexpectedly and full of magic. He will make me feel worthwhile; and hold me when I need him to. He will give me massages and he will hold my hand when I'm in pain. He may not always know what to say but at least he will accept truths and give in to love. He will love my girly as much as he loves me.
He's not here, but those stars know what I need. They know me.
He's not here, but those stars know what I need. They know me.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
2 outta 3 ain't bad...
Lately I've had people say to me; "you don't like it when you don't get your own way".
3 of 3 being that I didn't get to work on the relationship with my babies dad. He is my soul mate, my best friend, my lover. We were made for each other but sometimes things just don't work out. Moving on is one thing, but accepting it is another. I'm getting there.
My father got his way in life. My mum didn't get hers. My babies dad hasn't gone through enough of life to say it's either been his way or not.
So far I have had things 'my way' and then I haven't. I left school (because I wanted to) but it was because of my anxiety and depression. I went straight into full time work (because I wanted to), loved it, but mentally I wasn't ready for the huge change. I was diagnosed with PCOS at age 16, after 4 years of torture every random month that my period decided to come. I had to leave 'home' at 16 (because I wanted to) but it was because I couldn't live with my own mother or father. I could go on and on but you get the idea.
Basically I'm saying that some of us who strive to live out our dreams; can hurt people in the process. They can be so determined to reach the goal with a rock hard arm and hand, that they hit people on the way. They can see ONE GOOD THING in the future and miss out on all the better (and sometimes bad) things on the way because they think they will hold them back. The line between determination and blindness is finer than the line between love and hate.
All I've wanted in life was a family of my own. To be a mother, to my babies; not my parents or myself. I accepted that my dream wasn't going to come easily any time soon because of my PCOS and Endo. But also because the man I love/d, had other plans/dreams/hopes/visions to concur before a/our family. I accepted that and respected it and knew he was determined to make his mark on the world. I still held my dream close to my heart and always had faith that whatever happened would be for the best; not just baby-wise, but all things before that.
After thinking about this for days, nights, weeks... I have come to the conclusion that 'our own way' is another version of saying 'our dreams', 'our hopes', 'our vision'.
I don't know why people feel the need to even spark that conversation/argument as it's totally unnecessary to even divulge into the subject of other peoples dreams unless it's a positive conversation.
For example; if someone I knew didn't get their dream job, and they were rightfully upset... I wouldn't say "you're upset because you didn't get your own way, don't take it out on me". . . See what I mean? It doesn't even work like that. Nothing does. And who am I to judge them or tell them how to act?
Two people in my life have said it; which is what got the ball rolling in my head. First off someone said, I was a 'young woman who was not going to get her way so therefore used words to hurt people in a way to get her own way'. Oh yep, sure thing! Does not make sense in the first place, and it's completely belittling to be thought of in this way, but whatever makes you feel better.
I don't know why people feel the need to even spark that conversation/argument as it's totally unnecessary to even divulge into the subject of other peoples dreams unless it's a positive conversation.
For example; if someone I knew didn't get their dream job, and they were rightfully upset... I wouldn't say "you're upset because you didn't get your own way, don't take it out on me". . . See what I mean? It doesn't even work like that. Nothing does. And who am I to judge them or tell them how to act?
Two people in my life have said it; which is what got the ball rolling in my head. First off someone said, I was a 'young woman who was not going to get her way so therefore used words to hurt people in a way to get her own way'. Oh yep, sure thing! Does not make sense in the first place, and it's completely belittling to be thought of in this way, but whatever makes you feel better.
She thought that what I wanted (and what 'my way' was,) was my father to be on board with my pregnancy, but he wasn't/isn't. And I wholeheartedly expected what happened the night I told him; a full on freak out, and me trying to keep it together. I had no expectations apart from the above, and I didn't have a 'vision' or a 'hope' in this situation. I had decided to keep my baby, and push through other peoples problems; for the first time in my life they were not mine. After I told my father, his partner, babies dad (the one who all these posts are about), and my close family friend (who lives a while away and I see the ducks on the way there:) ), I sent them all a joint email outlining why I was upset/happy with the way I had been treated over the past few weeks concerning my pregnancy. In my mind, I was treated like a child and no matter what I said or did, I wasn't going to be taken seriously or treated with respect. As per usual; I was the problem.
I told my father the day I found out. It was a giant shock to me, because I have PCOS (google it) and Endometriosis (google that too) and I was told my chances of conceiving naturally were slim to none. I conceived on the pill, FYI. So I was in a state of shock, excitement (of seeing my 6week old baby and her heartbeat on the screen when I was meant to be seeing cysts on my ovaries), nervousness and fear of telling babies father.
Anyway that's enough of that. Back to where I was before.
Anyway that's enough of that. Back to where I was before.
"My own way" in all of this was to continue with my pregnancy and not terminate just because people thought it was 'the logical thing to do'.
I have never done the logical thing, I have done what appeared to be the right thing at the time. I have no regrets whatsoever. I don't bite my tongue unless it's something extremely rude and not necessary, or not the best place to say it. I don't hold back in telling people how I feel because at the end of the day, I go to sleep with my own feelings and my own heartache.
No one else takes it away for me.
The 'adults' and people in my life have caused me enough heartache and it's all been my fault apparently but the point in all this is that it's MY life, MY hopes, MY dreams, MY 'way'. I've had to deal with my own, my parents have had their own and never really been too concerned with mine even if they caused it. So why should I be concerned with theirs right now when I have enough going on?
The title of this post is '2 outta 3 ain't bad'; and yes it's the Meatloaf song.
1 of 3 being that I kept my baby girl, and that was my vision, hope, dream & way.
2 of 3 being that I am free. Free from being controlled, and watched, and criticised. I am 19, my age still involves the word 'teen' but in saying that, I know a good few people who are over 40 who act younger than myself; not naming names or anything:). I am on my own, with my beautiful little Peach. And we only need people who love us and respect us.
The title of this post is '2 outta 3 ain't bad'; and yes it's the Meatloaf song.
1 of 3 being that I kept my baby girl, and that was my vision, hope, dream & way.
2 of 3 being that I am free. Free from being controlled, and watched, and criticised. I am 19, my age still involves the word 'teen' but in saying that, I know a good few people who are over 40 who act younger than myself; not naming names or anything:). I am on my own, with my beautiful little Peach. And we only need people who love us and respect us.
3 of 3 being that I didn't get to work on the relationship with my babies dad. He is my soul mate, my best friend, my lover. We were made for each other but sometimes things just don't work out. Moving on is one thing, but accepting it is another. I'm getting there.
My father got his way in life. My mum didn't get hers. My babies dad hasn't gone through enough of life to say it's either been his way or not.
So far I have had things 'my way' and then I haven't. I left school (because I wanted to) but it was because of my anxiety and depression. I went straight into full time work (because I wanted to), loved it, but mentally I wasn't ready for the huge change. I was diagnosed with PCOS at age 16, after 4 years of torture every random month that my period decided to come. I had to leave 'home' at 16 (because I wanted to) but it was because I couldn't live with my own mother or father. I could go on and on but you get the idea.
Basically I'm saying that some of us who strive to live out our dreams; can hurt people in the process. They can be so determined to reach the goal with a rock hard arm and hand, that they hit people on the way. They can see ONE GOOD THING in the future and miss out on all the better (and sometimes bad) things on the way because they think they will hold them back. The line between determination and blindness is finer than the line between love and hate.
All I've wanted in life was a family of my own. To be a mother, to my babies; not my parents or myself. I accepted that my dream wasn't going to come easily any time soon because of my PCOS and Endo. But also because the man I love/d, had other plans/dreams/hopes/visions to concur before a/our family. I accepted that and respected it and knew he was determined to make his mark on the world. I still held my dream close to my heart and always had faith that whatever happened would be for the best; not just baby-wise, but all things before that.
And then by some crazy chance, this little miracle came along. I didn't 'keep her' because I wanted my dream to come true; because it hasn't; I haven't got the man I love, therefore I haven't got the dream of my own family. That's where he comes into it saying that 'I haven't got what I want so I'm kicking a fuss'. I think I'm rightfully allowed to kick a fuss when the one person I love has left me and his daughter because he thinks he's not ready.
Life is what happens while you're busy making plans. I didn't plan for her but I didn't plan for him either. Just because I didn't write her into my calendar doesn't mean she doesn't belong in it. I didn't plan to fall in love and to be hurt month after month, year after year. I didn't plan for many things; I didn't plan for my health problems. Neither did my beautiful mum, she didn't plan for her M.S to come along and take her independence away. She didn't plan for the horrible sickness to take over and change her; change her so much she became yet another problem for my father- a problem that wasn't planned for. A problem that marriage vows generally cover, the whole 'in sickness and in health' thing should never be said unless its meant. Just like LOVE; and we're back at the other entries I've written on here.
There are many things and obstacles I did not plan for that have happened in my life. So many of them are barely even MY problems either; they're other peoples issues in my life which I've had to bear the repercussions of.
I've been dealing with life's (albeit unplanned) crap since the day I can remember. I've dealt with mental illnesses in my head and in others. I've dealt with heartache, loss, grief, emotional highs and lows, weight gain, weight loss, violence, lies.... But it doesn't mean I'm superwoman. It means I'm human. We all deal with things. It doesn't make us any better than anyone else. It makes us stronger than before, and more prepared for what comes next- planned or unplanned.
Life is not a competition. Life is what it is. You can plan for sleep ins, but you might wake up and not be able to get back to sleep. You can plan for vacations, but the car breaks down. You can plan for a picnic, but it rains. And you can plan your life, but it doesn't work. Because life doesn't listen. It hears you, but it doesn't have time to listen. It gives you what you need and deserve. End of.
Life is what happens while you're busy making plans. I didn't plan for her but I didn't plan for him either. Just because I didn't write her into my calendar doesn't mean she doesn't belong in it. I didn't plan to fall in love and to be hurt month after month, year after year. I didn't plan for many things; I didn't plan for my health problems. Neither did my beautiful mum, she didn't plan for her M.S to come along and take her independence away. She didn't plan for the horrible sickness to take over and change her; change her so much she became yet another problem for my father- a problem that wasn't planned for. A problem that marriage vows generally cover, the whole 'in sickness and in health' thing should never be said unless its meant. Just like LOVE; and we're back at the other entries I've written on here.
There are many things and obstacles I did not plan for that have happened in my life. So many of them are barely even MY problems either; they're other peoples issues in my life which I've had to bear the repercussions of.
I've been dealing with life's (albeit unplanned) crap since the day I can remember. I've dealt with mental illnesses in my head and in others. I've dealt with heartache, loss, grief, emotional highs and lows, weight gain, weight loss, violence, lies.... But it doesn't mean I'm superwoman. It means I'm human. We all deal with things. It doesn't make us any better than anyone else. It makes us stronger than before, and more prepared for what comes next- planned or unplanned.
Life is not a competition. Life is what it is. You can plan for sleep ins, but you might wake up and not be able to get back to sleep. You can plan for vacations, but the car breaks down. You can plan for a picnic, but it rains. And you can plan your life, but it doesn't work. Because life doesn't listen. It hears you, but it doesn't have time to listen. It gives you what you need and deserve. End of.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Fog
I had to leave my friends birthday party because of the pure nonsense going through my head.
Don't get me wrong, I like crazy thoughts. I like thinking about the future and my wee girl in my arms, and warm nights with her and I under a blanket. I like thinking about her birthdays and sharing Christmas's with her. But tonight I kept seeing bare legs and thinking about him touching those legs instead of mine. The amount of times I had to close my eyes and hum something to think of a song instead of his voice... Oh my god.
I'm so sick of my brain. I wish I could turn it off. No wonder people turn to drugs.
I've gotten myself through bad days and weeks, but I don't know if I can get through this within weeks. I don't know HOW either. Last time I 'got over him' I had a good(ish) friend who pulled me out of the black hole of heartache every time I stepped into it. It's hard to pull yourself out; it's hard to follow your head when you've followed your heart all along. I suppose it helped meeting new men and realising they're not all heartbreaking jerks. But I can't do that now. I have guys telling me how cute and lovely I am, and they are all interested in bubby but they then say "You don't need him, you're an independent woman and I can tell that just by talking to you"... Which is all very well and true but still, he is the man I went to hell and back for.
I feel like I'm going cold turkey, and the habit is so hard to break. I need a replacement. You know how smokers turn to gum...
Don't get me wrong, I like crazy thoughts. I like thinking about the future and my wee girl in my arms, and warm nights with her and I under a blanket. I like thinking about her birthdays and sharing Christmas's with her. But tonight I kept seeing bare legs and thinking about him touching those legs instead of mine. The amount of times I had to close my eyes and hum something to think of a song instead of his voice... Oh my god.
I'm so sick of my brain. I wish I could turn it off. No wonder people turn to drugs.
I've gotten myself through bad days and weeks, but I don't know if I can get through this within weeks. I don't know HOW either. Last time I 'got over him' I had a good(ish) friend who pulled me out of the black hole of heartache every time I stepped into it. It's hard to pull yourself out; it's hard to follow your head when you've followed your heart all along. I suppose it helped meeting new men and realising they're not all heartbreaking jerks. But I can't do that now. I have guys telling me how cute and lovely I am, and they are all interested in bubby but they then say "You don't need him, you're an independent woman and I can tell that just by talking to you"... Which is all very well and true but still, he is the man I went to hell and back for.
I feel like I'm going cold turkey, and the habit is so hard to break. I need a replacement. You know how smokers turn to gum...
I won't turn to food cause it makes me sick. I can't turn to alcohol because it will harm peach. I can't go to the gym like I used to, because of my dicky heart. I can't do anything to vent how I'm feeling apart from cry and it is sending me into the black hole again.
Being out and around people helped/helps but then their voices sound like his, and their eyes become his eyes. I can smell him. My mums hand-wash sent me into a fit of tears yesterday because it smells like his hair product.
I sincerely hope these emotions are pregnancy related and once my girl is here; they will fade.
Being heartbroken and going through heartache is the biggest thing ever, especially for me. It controls me and takes over my life. It influences who I talk to; who I confide in, who I let hear me this weak. And that's a very select few.
I have broken down rarely over the past year. I have kept it all in, or sweat it out. But now the only way out is through my eyes and howling cries. I feel so cold and alone. Yet I'm carrying my baby with me 24/7. I will never be alone again.
Being out and around people helped/helps but then their voices sound like his, and their eyes become his eyes. I can smell him. My mums hand-wash sent me into a fit of tears yesterday because it smells like his hair product.
I sincerely hope these emotions are pregnancy related and once my girl is here; they will fade.
Being heartbroken and going through heartache is the biggest thing ever, especially for me. It controls me and takes over my life. It influences who I talk to; who I confide in, who I let hear me this weak. And that's a very select few.
I have broken down rarely over the past year. I have kept it all in, or sweat it out. But now the only way out is through my eyes and howling cries. I feel so cold and alone. Yet I'm carrying my baby with me 24/7. I will never be alone again.
On the drive home from my friends 21st; I saw the ducks. Through the darkness and fog of 1am... I saw them asleep together by a tree. That is what gives me hope right now... A pair of paradise ducks under a tree.
We *have* to find hope and base our faith in something; although I'm not one to turn to religion, I think paradise ducks are better to turn to... A bit more 'real' and visible; cold hard evidence. And there is no book written by someone about them.
Time heals all wounds and the more I see those ducks, the more I feel my baby move, the more I watch cat videos, the more I see my friends... The more I will smile.
For now I have to stop myself crying and write on here instead. For now I have to put my phone down when I am tempted to speak to him. For now I have to skip the sad songs and repeat the good ones. And I also need to stop putting my foot down for the adrenalin rush; it's so rebellious (ooo) and it feels so good but I am wasting petrol!
We *have* to find hope and base our faith in something; although I'm not one to turn to religion, I think paradise ducks are better to turn to... A bit more 'real' and visible; cold hard evidence. And there is no book written by someone about them.
Time heals all wounds and the more I see those ducks, the more I feel my baby move, the more I watch cat videos, the more I see my friends... The more I will smile.
For now I have to stop myself crying and write on here instead. For now I have to put my phone down when I am tempted to speak to him. For now I have to skip the sad songs and repeat the good ones. And I also need to stop putting my foot down for the adrenalin rush; it's so rebellious (ooo) and it feels so good but I am wasting petrol!
I've been drinking coke all night and eating the most amazing cake ever (sooo good, the icing was just as thick as the cake) and had the best dinner... So there is no room for milky goodness tonight. I have enough in my body, as you know.
It is time for sleep, for peach and I.
It is time for sleep, for peach and I.
Friday, May 7, 2010
This ain't a love song, this is goodbye.
My addiction has come to an end.
But ...I am guilty for being addicted to love/loving someone, at least.
In my mind it is the worst addiction because it's all I know. Breaking a habit, is impossible.
I woke up this morning in sheer panic and I don't know why. Wait yes I do. Dad came over.
I don't smoke.
I can't drink (for many reasons; bubby, my face goes red when I do, I turn into an idiot and I don't like the loss of control).
I don't do drugs.
I don't do drugs.
But ...I am guilty for being addicted to love/loving someone, at least.
In my mind it is the worst addiction because it's all I know. Breaking a habit, is impossible.
I've become someone who I'm not.
I've become jealous of the old me.
I've become lost.
I've become a mess...
I've become jealous of the old me.
I've become lost.
I've become a mess...
And I woke up realising it's only me who can fix me. Like all the times I have done so in the past.
When I lost my first baby, when I scarred myself, when I wanted to leave school... Honestly... The list could go on... I just don't know how to put it all into words.
Everytime a big challenge would be done and dusted and 'out of the way'; something would happen in my head. I would relapse into depression and the tumble drier full of emotion.
This time is different though; my heads a mess but I feel scarily comforted by the emotions because there is nothing else to comfort me and hold me in one place. Not anymore.
It was him, but now its me. Even if it's horrible depressing feelings, at least I know they will pass. That is the other part that makes me feel better.
As they say, tomorrow is another day. But it's Sunday. And if you know me; you'll know Sundays have always been a challenge for me. Like it was the calm before the storm as school was the next day. And everyone was doing family things, when I was just stuck by myself. There was nothing on tv and I was always tired.. So it was a downer day.
But my point is that, I got myself through everything else that's happened in my life. This is the biggest thing at the moment, especially before peach is born. I will do it. I can do it.
When I lost my first baby, when I scarred myself, when I wanted to leave school... Honestly... The list could go on... I just don't know how to put it all into words.
Everytime a big challenge would be done and dusted and 'out of the way'; something would happen in my head. I would relapse into depression and the tumble drier full of emotion.
This time is different though; my heads a mess but I feel scarily comforted by the emotions because there is nothing else to comfort me and hold me in one place. Not anymore.
It was him, but now its me. Even if it's horrible depressing feelings, at least I know they will pass. That is the other part that makes me feel better.
As they say, tomorrow is another day. But it's Sunday. And if you know me; you'll know Sundays have always been a challenge for me. Like it was the calm before the storm as school was the next day. And everyone was doing family things, when I was just stuck by myself. There was nothing on tv and I was always tired.. So it was a downer day.
But my point is that, I got myself through everything else that's happened in my life. This is the biggest thing at the moment, especially before peach is born. I will do it. I can do it.
I woke up this morning in sheer panic and I don't know why. Wait yes I do. Dad came over.
I have my old best friends 21st & dinner to go to tonight. I'm so excited to see her and her family, they've been in my life since I was about 8 or so. Love them all to bits :). Now the hard part; trying to figure out what to wear. JOY. I'm thinking a nice dress I've never had the chance to wear. It's all that really fits now ;)
I'm so hungry but I don't know what I want. Currently I'm chowing down on the chocolates in the box that I don't like... like the "chewy caramels" ew but it's still chocolate.
So, time to start shaving my legs for the boys tonight haha, god, kidding. But still shaving.
So, time to start shaving my legs for the boys tonight haha, god, kidding. But still shaving.
I want toasties.
Tears for fears.
How can one, JUST ONE person make me feel like this?
Don't answer that.
Who gets me breathing again? I do. Bubby does. Life does.
Sometimes the reason you ask questions; isn't for the answer. It's for the curious part of your brain that wants to think about it and expand on it, explore the nooks and crannies (believe me there are some dusty nooks and crannies in my head right now). And the answer is always, ALWAYS inside you, somewhere.
Late at night when the city's asleep; when I'm falling into the realm of dreams.... Baby wakes up.
She boots the bejesus out of me and it's SO reassuring. It's so weird that someone so little (us little ones make the big people,big!) can kick and punch so hard, and also tug at my heart (emotionally ofcourse) in more ways than some people ever have. I got her kicking me (on purpose, yes) to Tears for Fears; Everybody wants to rule the world. She's a character.
I love her.
Time for sleep I think.
Don't answer that.
How can he make me paralysed?
I could sit in the same spot for hours on end and just think of him.
How can he make me time travel?
To months ago, when I felt different. When we were together and things were okay, maybe not the best but they were okay because I finally felt safe in the relationship.
How can he hurt me so badly with words?
And have it affect me so bad that it can stop me breathing.
I could sit in the same spot for hours on end and just think of him.
How can he make me time travel?
To months ago, when I felt different. When we were together and things were okay, maybe not the best but they were okay because I finally felt safe in the relationship.
How can he hurt me so badly with words?
And have it affect me so bad that it can stop me breathing.
Who gets me breathing again? I do. Bubby does. Life does.
Sometimes the reason you ask questions; isn't for the answer. It's for the curious part of your brain that wants to think about it and expand on it, explore the nooks and crannies (believe me there are some dusty nooks and crannies in my head right now). And the answer is always, ALWAYS inside you, somewhere.
Late at night when the city's asleep; when I'm falling into the realm of dreams.... Baby wakes up.
She boots the bejesus out of me and it's SO reassuring. It's so weird that someone so little (us little ones make the big people,big!) can kick and punch so hard, and also tug at my heart (emotionally ofcourse) in more ways than some people ever have. I got her kicking me (on purpose, yes) to Tears for Fears; Everybody wants to rule the world. She's a character.
I love her.
Time for sleep I think.
Stupid reflux is still here :( MILK DOESN'T WORK!
Paradise Ducks
"Pairs remain together from year to year, returning to the same nesting area."
"Paradise Shelducks form long-term pair bonds, often lasting for life."
Over the past few years, there have been a pair of Paradise Ducks that I have driven past... year after year.
Today on my way to visit a friend (who is FINALLY back from London... yay, life can return to what I know as 'normal') and I always see the ducks on the way there. Today they weren't there. I found that somewhat unsettling, because I became a little attached to them.
How amazing would it be to go through life with someone else from the same species; same build, same characteristics...
It doesn't seem that hard so how come barely anyone can do it apart from ducks?
How amazing would it be to go through life with someone else from the same species; same build, same characteristics...
It doesn't seem that hard so how come barely anyone can do it apart from ducks?
I would LOVE to find my mate and settle down. But I think my idea of settling down is far different to others ideas.
All I have striven for in life is love and happiness.. Yet people think I'm as volatile as a canetoad. Should I dye my hair blonde, tie it in plaits, wear gingham and kiss ass? Nah, I'd rather keep my dark hair, respect those who deserve it, love myself and my baby, stay happy and KICK ass (not everyones...only those whos asses deserve kicking;) ).
All I have striven for in life is love and happiness.. Yet people think I'm as volatile as a canetoad. Should I dye my hair blonde, tie it in plaits, wear gingham and kiss ass? Nah, I'd rather keep my dark hair, respect those who deserve it, love myself and my baby, stay happy and KICK ass (not everyones...only those whos asses deserve kicking;) ).
I haven't hurt anyone up until now. And it's a bit unfair that the person I'm talking about has been hurting me for almost 2 years. It's irrelevant, and completely in the past. But it sort of sits in my mind sometimes and I can't help that.
I'm far too tired to be writing, I've only had 6 hours sleep and been out all day.
Attached a pic of two gorgeous paradise duckies... Ahhh the simple life; nothing like swimming in your own filth!
I'm far too tired to be writing, I've only had 6 hours sleep and been out all day.
Attached a pic of two gorgeous paradise duckies... Ahhh the simple life; nothing like swimming in your own filth!
I have reflux; I think milk is a good quick fix for it. Will try it ;)
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Grief.
Last night I slept from 9pm until 11am today.
I think I pre-empted what was going to happen this afternoon...
Pure heart break.
I also see him as an addiction; a love drug. The longer I stay away from him... the better I begin to feel. But lately, I can't seem to stay away for 48 hours unless there is some damn good reason to.
Confused isn't even the beginning of how I'm feeling. Today's meltdown was one of the worst I have ever had. Crying in front of people I have never cried in front of and bawling to a nurse (who knows the entire situation) and howling to people on the phone. I want to be in control of my emotions and maybe I was. I needed to let the tears out. I never cry anymore.
I want to say "on a lighter note" but today there isn't one. I know that 'this too shall pass' and that I should just follow my tattoo and 'let it be' but that's something I always do. And he does as well.
"Fate" "Destiny" "Miracles"... they happen but they're in our control. We control our fate and our destiny, and miracles happen along the way if we deserve them or not. Life isn't a bowl of cake batter, you don't just skid around the edges and dip your finger in every now and again and hope for the best... Life is a cold sink full of dirty dishes and you have to get your hands dirty to get them clean.
A part of me feels as though he has died. And I think, to me, he has. The man I fell in love with I don't think will ever return. Or I will never see him again, at least.
He bought me chocolates for my birthday and it's so horrible eating them because all that's left are little shells of what 'was'. And that's so *DEEP* for a bloody box of chocolates. Silly hormones from bubby.
I cry when I eat them!!! That is so tragic.
I've stopped myself crying, just by trying to focus on this blog. Which makes for a change because I've been crying non stop really since 2pm (so 10 hours). My eyes are killing me. As is my headache.
I think I pre-empted what was going to happen this afternoon...
Pure heart break.
Feeling it coming is the worst; the calm before the storm, I guess.
I can't even tell if the storms passed yet. It hasn't in my heart, but maybe in my head it has.
I can't even tell if the storms passed yet. It hasn't in my heart, but maybe in my head it has.
He's stopped texting me, I assume he's asleep.
Baby has been kicking me all night and I've realised she stops when I talk. It's like she gets a fright, either that or she wants me to talk her back to sleep.
How is it possible to love someone and give them yourself for a good 16 months and yet get only abuse in return... And still have the same flicker of hope after everything that has happened..?
I'm so lost, in myself, in his words, in his lies and his truths (ones I can't seem to seperate). Things he say hit me harder than a bullet would. Atleast a bullet can be taken out. And the shooter can go to jail. But for causing heart ache through text messages and emails; there is no sentence in prison for that.
I wish I could get over him. I despise myself some days for being caught up in this love-net still, when I have had so many chances to get out of it. Maybe it's because, seeing it like a net; sometimes the net becomes a hammock. As in, when times are good, I'm relaxed and happy being in it. When times are bad, I'm caught in it like a fish in a net... I become stressed and unhappy and scared for my life.
How is it possible to love someone and give them yourself for a good 16 months and yet get only abuse in return... And still have the same flicker of hope after everything that has happened..?
I'm so lost, in myself, in his words, in his lies and his truths (ones I can't seem to seperate). Things he say hit me harder than a bullet would. Atleast a bullet can be taken out. And the shooter can go to jail. But for causing heart ache through text messages and emails; there is no sentence in prison for that.
I wish I could get over him. I despise myself some days for being caught up in this love-net still, when I have had so many chances to get out of it. Maybe it's because, seeing it like a net; sometimes the net becomes a hammock. As in, when times are good, I'm relaxed and happy being in it. When times are bad, I'm caught in it like a fish in a net... I become stressed and unhappy and scared for my life.
I also see him as an addiction; a love drug. The longer I stay away from him... the better I begin to feel. But lately, I can't seem to stay away for 48 hours unless there is some damn good reason to.
Confused isn't even the beginning of how I'm feeling. Today's meltdown was one of the worst I have ever had. Crying in front of people I have never cried in front of and bawling to a nurse (who knows the entire situation) and howling to people on the phone. I want to be in control of my emotions and maybe I was. I needed to let the tears out. I never cry anymore.
Sometimes I just want to turn up at his house and vent everything but I would look like an idiot because he ALREADY KNOWS.
Confused because-I can't stand being told things and then have them taken back.
I don't tell people I love them unless they are worth going to hell and back for; to prove that I do.
I don't tell people I love them unless they are worth going to hell and back for; to prove that I do.
It's like respect... Some people deserve it and some just don't. I start off on a mutual ground of respect when I meet someone. They don't deserve it; nor do they not deserve it. Only time will tell. - The same goes with love.
So howcome I can't stop loving him? Howcome. Why do I put myself through this? He doesn't deserve respect after everything he has put me through, nor does he deserve love.
A part of me sees him as a wounded soldier. Albeit, a soldier fighting for the wrong war and wrong reasons but still. Someone who has gone into a huge battle, ill-prepared. And I can't help but love and want to protect him. Even if it's me that's been hurt more. I guess I'm one of those stupid nurses in the war who darts around after people... Urgh, thoughts have gotten away from me... *and the dish ran away with the spoon*. . .
A part of me sees him as a wounded soldier. Albeit, a soldier fighting for the wrong war and wrong reasons but still. Someone who has gone into a huge battle, ill-prepared. And I can't help but love and want to protect him. Even if it's me that's been hurt more. I guess I'm one of those stupid nurses in the war who darts around after people... Urgh, thoughts have gotten away from me... *and the dish ran away with the spoon*. . .
I want to say "on a lighter note" but today there isn't one. I know that 'this too shall pass' and that I should just follow my tattoo and 'let it be' but that's something I always do. And he does as well.
"Fate" "Destiny" "Miracles"... they happen but they're in our control. We control our fate and our destiny, and miracles happen along the way if we deserve them or not. Life isn't a bowl of cake batter, you don't just skid around the edges and dip your finger in every now and again and hope for the best... Life is a cold sink full of dirty dishes and you have to get your hands dirty to get them clean.
I hate dishes, but they have to be done to get the bench clean and to get my head clear of clutter.
Whats getting to me, is people saying "just focus on your baby". Hmm, there's really not much to focus on YET. She will be here soon and I will fully focus on her but for now, all I can focus on are her kicks and movements.
Whats getting to me, is people saying "just focus on your baby". Hmm, there's really not much to focus on YET. She will be here soon and I will fully focus on her but for now, all I can focus on are her kicks and movements.
Someone else told me to get a fulltime job to take my mind off him... L O L. My job with my wee kiddies is enough to take my mind off him but when I sit down and breathe for a second, all I can smell is him. All I can see when I close my eyes are his eyes looking back. It's so haunting.
A part of me feels as though he has died. And I think, to me, he has. The man I fell in love with I don't think will ever return. Or I will never see him again, at least.
He bought me chocolates for my birthday and it's so horrible eating them because all that's left are little shells of what 'was'. And that's so *DEEP* for a bloody box of chocolates. Silly hormones from bubby.
I cry when I eat them!!! That is so tragic.
I've stopped myself crying, just by trying to focus on this blog. Which makes for a change because I've been crying non stop really since 2pm (so 10 hours). My eyes are killing me. As is my headache.
Have you ever purposely listened to sad songs to see how far your heart can drop before you bounce back to life?... I've been listening to a few in the past half hour... I suppose it's the only rush I get any more. I can't go to the gym because of my tachycardia... The gym was the only place I could really let go. Turn my iPod up loud (my eardrums sometimes popped) and sweat out the pain. Now it has to come out in tears.
The sad songs are ones that I heard with him, or that he played to me...They were the type of songs I secretly always wished were his way of opening up to me but really they weren't. That was wishful thinking. Like the rest of our relationship.
I have to let him go, I have to let him move on... So I can let myself.
I have to stop punishing myself. I have to get myself out of this mindset of darkness and hurt. I am the only person who can let someone hurt me.
-
No milk today, even though I have a lot in the fridge. I just haven't felt the urge. I did have some yoghurt though. The yummy one I buy myself as a treat... It's honey flavoured (AMAZINGLY thick) and has apricots and more honey ontop. MMhhmm.
Goodnight world...
I have to stop punishing myself. I have to get myself out of this mindset of darkness and hurt. I am the only person who can let someone hurt me.
-
No milk today, even though I have a lot in the fridge. I just haven't felt the urge. I did have some yoghurt though. The yummy one I buy myself as a treat... It's honey flavoured (AMAZINGLY thick) and has apricots and more honey ontop. MMhhmm.
Goodnight world...
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Got Milk? Cause I did!
Supermarket trip was eventful... As was my day at work.
I look after primary school aged kiddlywinks and they're the cutest things since marshmellow peeps. A few of them saw my belly moving today from my wee girl. The questions were hilarious "what if she wee's?"... "what if she's sick and you can't get to her to give her medicine?" ... and more along those curious little lines.
I look after primary school aged kiddlywinks and they're the cutest things since marshmellow peeps. A few of them saw my belly moving today from my wee girl. The questions were hilarious "what if she wee's?"... "what if she's sick and you can't get to her to give her medicine?" ... and more along those curious little lines.
The sun sets too early for my liking, e.g before 6pm. And the kids are wanting to get out and run around because they've been doing that for the past 6 months... but they can't because they start coughing, wheezing and sneezing. So ofcourse I look like the big bad wolf when I tell them to come inside, but adults know best...
The mad rush in the dark to get home is just horrible. Even getting to the car from my work (a good 30 metres) is bad enough because I don't dress 'night time' appropriate at 2pm when I leave for work. SILLY ME.
The mad rush in the dark to get home is just horrible. Even getting to the car from my work (a good 30 metres) is bad enough because I don't dress 'night time' appropriate at 2pm when I leave for work. SILLY ME.
Tonight was supermarket (MILK) night. It was hellish relish, I can tell you that much. My car heater is temperamental and tonight was an "i-don't-really-feel-like-working" night for the wee starlet '93. The supermarket was PACKED and I hate those people who only focus on their little bubble; which consists of them and their trolley. I have to just stand behind them trying to get to the ONE jar of something that happens to be beside their trolley which they are blocking because they're wondering about what toilet paper to get... Well the toilet paper is isles away so go on your merry way and when you get there; think about it. Don't think about 3-ply beside the Chicken Korma.
So I got my milk and my chicken breasts (not to replace mine, although I wish) and cleared the hell off out of there.
I'm now at home and sitting cross legged on the couch crying (jeez didn't see that coming) over two people kissing on Greys.
So I got my milk and my chicken breasts (not to replace mine, although I wish) and cleared the hell off out of there.
I'm now at home and sitting cross legged on the couch crying (jeez didn't see that coming) over two people kissing on Greys.
I miss the passion/emotions that I don't get to experience any more. I miss who he made me. He made me so many versions of myself in a day that I didn't have time to remember the bad feelings from yesterday... Albeit the bad feelings he made me feel but still valid.
I'm heartbroken over the fact he's now making someone else feel all the things I felt. It's like he kept my clothes and he's letting someone else wear them. I will never wear those clothes again, and maybe that's a good thing. My big belly doesn't fit in them. I don't feel right in them and he doesn't and wouldn't know how to make me feel right any more. Because that takes effort and emotion; personality. It takes time.
Life baffles me sometimes. Why do people say they love each other yet let each other go? Why do people fight for those who aren't worth it... And then never admit that they've made a mistake... And wasted time that should have been spent some where else....
I never tell others I love them because no one knows what it is. It's merely a word when it's not shown. They throw it around like a ball... And I can speak for the people in my life who do such a thing as throwing it around... Because I know if you love someone you do NOT lie, you do not CHEAT, you do not STEAL, you do not cry to them and expect sympathy yet never give it back. Love is an equal, silent, peaceful magnetic pull between people. So how can you lie about loving someone, if you don't even know what it is...
I know what love is, because I do it everyday. I love my job and the little hands holding anothers, the jam on faces, the fingers pointing to every word they read in the book and the little pauses between the words. I love my bed and how it gives me what I need and want, at the same time. I love my rats and how one is obese and the other is anorexic- such character in tiny packages. And on that note; I love my little girl. She is the kids at work, my bed, and my rats.
I could spend hours thinking aloud or quietly and yet nothing I think would make a difference. It's acting upon those thoughts that makes a difference.
I never tell others I love them because no one knows what it is. It's merely a word when it's not shown. They throw it around like a ball... And I can speak for the people in my life who do such a thing as throwing it around... Because I know if you love someone you do NOT lie, you do not CHEAT, you do not STEAL, you do not cry to them and expect sympathy yet never give it back. Love is an equal, silent, peaceful magnetic pull between people. So how can you lie about loving someone, if you don't even know what it is...
I know what love is, because I do it everyday. I love my job and the little hands holding anothers, the jam on faces, the fingers pointing to every word they read in the book and the little pauses between the words. I love my bed and how it gives me what I need and want, at the same time. I love my rats and how one is obese and the other is anorexic- such character in tiny packages. And on that note; I love my little girl. She is the kids at work, my bed, and my rats.
I could spend hours thinking aloud or quietly and yet nothing I think would make a difference. It's acting upon those thoughts that makes a difference.
This little baby girl inside me; has me. And I have her. I think and KNOW, that we are all we need. She doesn't *need* liars, cheaters, stealers, and takers, in her life. She needs people that will love her and not just write it, or text it, or say it. But people who will do it and show her.
I'm sick of seeing it on paper, online, and in my hand on my cellphone. When I can touch it; it means nothing. If I can feel it around me, inside me, and on my lips, then I'll believe it.
Time for some milk.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Alas, it is Monday
Why is there no milk in the fridge yet there is milk somehow magically forming in me? I feel like a cow. A biiiig momma cow.
And it's sort of like those situations (that I've never been in) that end up with someone saying "water water everywhere but not a drop to drink". Except this is "milk milk everywhere and not a drop to drink". . . Urgh.
Today has been one hell of a day....Woke up and went to doctors straight away. Which my body wasn't happy about; I was *almost* sick, many many times. I got Subway for lunch which was really good, because it involved no dishes and no effort. McDonalds was just as great; I could LIVE off sweet chilli wraps.Mmm.
So after lunch, work rolled around. As did trying on clothes (and crying over them) and throwing them across the house. I'm sick of the mirror, I'm sick of peoples eyes, I'm sick of makeup and my long hair and the fact I need to dye it more than I need to brush it... I'm so tired all the time and its mostly of my own whinging and crying. I do this weird howling thing like I'm doing now; my hair is all over my face and its making me want to punch myself. My lip piercing keeps coming out and my tongue piercing pissed me RIGHT off last week so it's long gone.
I made an egg sandwich for dinner (yes, more dishes;bad move) and thoroughly checked the bread for mould before toasting it. Clearly I did not check well enough; that or my bread grows magical mould that only flourishes when heated in the toaster... So, egg sandwich ended up in the rubbish and I ended up in tears on the kitchen floor.
I feel like such a sap it's ridiculous. I ended up making porridge for tea with water not milk and that turned into glue; which was edible. Then ate half a peppermint ice-cream, which surprisingly was less edible than the bowl of glue.
So the day most definitely has been one that shall not be remembered. I have itches all over that are driving me insane and no I do not have fleas or scabies. I'm just restless and sick of things. I have a list of 'to do's before my baby girl is due (121 days to go) and I can't seem to tick anything off apart from myself!!!
1.Dryclean cot duvet inner as it smells like sheep.
2. Buy a new camera as some fat ox stood on mine.
3. Laminate her wall frieze so it doesn't go funny.
4. Buy baby bath and some more socks for her.
5. B R E A T H E.
I've had enough of my back, and neck. And boobs that house more milk than my freaking fridge ever will.
At the doctors, it said I'd gained another 7 kgs but I think this is wrong... Very wrong. And we'll just stick with that. DENIAL.
I'm sick of being stalked and watched by a few certain people, I feel like a criminal doing time but it's not FOR anything. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!
I hope this too shall bloody pass because if it doesn't then I will.
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