Q & A

I was driving to Rakaia today to scatter my Grandads ashes, with my family and his close friends. I had a lot of time to think (and sing, really loudly...and probably badly also).

I suddenly realised all the songs that are 'coming out' at the moment are exactly how I'm feeling-

Taylor Swift "Red":

Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street
Faster than the wind
Passionate as sin, ended so suddenly
Loving him is like trying to change your mind
Once you’re already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn
So bright just before they lose it all

Pink "Try":

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try

Ne-yo "Let Me Love You":
Much as you blame yourself, you can't be blamed for the way that you feel
Had no example of a love that was even remotely real
How can you understand something that you never had?


And I also realised how the more I talk to my friends (decent friends... not the shitty ones, who aren't really friends) the more I realise I'm not the only one who's been in this mess. And all the answers I'm looking for, all the advice, all the little snippets of wisdom... I already have them inside me- just hearing it from someone else makes it seem like I'm 'right' in some odd way.

I stayed on my friends couch last night; I thought about how different I feel when I'm with my wee girl, or at home surrounded by her things. Before she came, I had terrible anxiety and depression which came and went, and sucked the life out of me. I was floating but had no control of where I was going to land... If you were playing soccer, and you had no goal, what would you do? From a birds eye view it'd look like a bloody nightmare, people darting around here and there with no real 'point' to it... The rules would change... - That's what my life was like for a few good years, I had no idea where I was going so  I just fucked around, really.

But anyway where was I- oh, thinking- I sort of wondered about what the feelings were when I have her with me. For instance, is it security of some sort? Is it that my anxiety's not here, is it comfort? What is it?!

I clicked and smiled at the same time, realising it's JUST LOVE. It's a feeling of everything being okay, not perfect but okay- which is good enough for me. It means nothing bad is happening, and she can't hurt me- or doesn't know how to!- she won't leave me (and I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm a damn good mum so no one will take her away)... I think it's the only relationship I've ever had, with anyone, where there's security/love, where I do my best and get the best back... Balance.

If someone treats you right; you treat you right, too.

If you're (or if I am.. well, was) in a relationship that is constantly being torn apart at the seams by a lack of trust, lies, cheating, hurt, anger... If your relationship is, well, shite, then you will be too. Because you're constantly wondering what will fix it, what will break it next, what are they doing, where are they, what are they thinking... It's fucking exhausting to be honest. It's just a vicious circle and it never ends. Once it's broken, the cracks are always there.

For months I've been searching for some sort of answers, but I've never really had the questions either. I've not known where to start. I think I've started now... I hit absolute rock bottom and almost drowned in my own tears; but whilst at the bottom, I held my breath and sprang back up. I'm still on my way up, with the help of a little white pill every morning, a kiss and cuddle from my honeypuff and wonderful friends/family.

So I think the point to this whole post was meant to be that if you don't know what you need, you can't search for it.

I've realised that it's not the answers that I need- it's the questions... And the answers will slowly reveal themselves.

I thought I needed a million bits of advice but really I just need friends- the ones I've already got! I thought I needed to talk, all the time, but silence (with good company) is amazing. I thought if I jumped into a relationship it'd hurt too much and I wouldn't really heal but, nope... Turns out it makes me realise what the important people really think of me- I'm not this vile, horrible, selfish person that other people think I am... Over the past couple years I've had people flip at me. Do you know why?

It's because I'm not afraid to say or do what I feel, any more. I'm not afraid to lose people any more. I have my baby girl and my family and close friends who I'd never hurt. . . I'm pretty happy, to be honest.

I'm slowly learning who I can trust, who not to even BEGIN talking to, who to listen to... And what's really important.

Like one of dads girlfriends once painted; 
"Love many, trust few. Always paddle your own canoe."