Pain

Today I was prescribed antidepressants for the first time in years. I don't feel weak for asking; but by god I feel weak. 

How I feel at the moment, can only be described as how I imagine a weak mug of cold earl-grey tea, feels... Sitting on the windowsill getting colder and weaker and less appealing, and then it reaches the point where it literally cannot get any worse. I think that's me, at the moment.

The only difference is that a mug of bathwater looking earl-grey, won't have legs. Or a brain, or a heart, or motivation. Or a child- hah.

I have to get better so my missy has the best mum possible.

When she was a newborn and I was struggling with baby blues; I told myself if it carried on I'd get help. I ignored it. I numbed the pain out. It went. But this feels the same. Cold, dark, scary... But I feel like I'm in some tropical storm of 'moods'. 

I'll be really happy (like the sun is out, blindingly bright) then a cloud will come, and there's a dark shadow over me- that I literally can't control. The sun's still there somewhere, it has to be, and it flickers through the gaps in the clouds. My stomach flips with each cloud that passes by; will it rain, will it get darker? What can make me feel even worse?...

I'm constantly waiting to get hurt. Waiting for abuse. Waiting for these clouds of blackness and darkness to shadow me.

When it's cloudy, the sun has to fight the clouds to get through. The sun has to be feeling pretty damn strong, it has to really believe it can do it, and give it everything; to get through. Most times it does (even after a huge storm) but sometimes the clouds are just too angry, too full, too heavy to let the sun in.

Right now the sun's feeling a bit shit, I think. Because it's not got very much going on. By all that, I mean, I'm happy and there are good things going on, but not quite enough to push through the clouds.

Eventually it'll all pass. It might rain some more. But there will be a rainbow.. and then sun.

The sun always comes up :)