Fear

I need to write, but I don't really know what about.

I spent my Saturday night alone. I tried to sleep. I woke every 2 hours with a killer body ache, I don't know where it came from or what it meant but it's still here 24 hours later. People tell me to sleep, to sleep the pain away, but it causes even more pain. 

I'm feeling sad. A little less broken, but also a little more. I had a huge talk with my brother this arvo which helped me put things into perspective. It's funny how differently we think, when we were raised almost the same.

I don't know what's going on in my head. It feels like the past 4 years have been a nightmare and I'm waking up as my 17 yr old self + a 2 year old. I'm feeling stunned. I'm somehow in shock. I'm in overdrive... Or cruise control- one of them?! Or both..

Whenever I saw my future, as a child, I saw someone loving me and me loving them, and our child.

I didn't see this. "This" being loneliness to my very core, darkness... I don't know who's going to save me. Maybe, as per, it'll be me.

I hear voices in my head (okay not 'put the oven on and leave the house' type voices); saying "I resent you" "I hate you" "my family hates you" "you ruin all my holidays" "you're in the way of my dreams" voices forcing me to talk to them and then telling me not to contact them... "you're everything everyone's ever called you" selfish...nasty...bitch... I see my handbag thrown at me and missing, I see red eyes staring at mine and hands around my neck. I see me running. I can't do up my seatbelt because I'm shaking so much. My eyes are burning from mascara stinging. I drive 20 metres and pull over and cry the hardest I've ever cried.

I relive numerous abusive occasions, in my head, over and over, every day. I don't know when it'll stop. I just wish I wasn't going through this alone.

For years and years I've dealt with my demons, I've never wanted to involve other people, I've never asked for support or help. I've tried to hold onto my problems and ignore them. I hate people thinking I'm "playing the victim" and I always try help myself before I moan... I've blocked out about 60% of my life, to be honest. I remember fuck all. Apparently, according to my closest family friend, I used to hide under the bed. I would've been almost at high school age, and I hid under the bed. I would curl into a ball and cry, too. I don't remember it though. I remember the feel of carpet against my cheek but that's about it.

There are certain triggers that cripple me inside; that scrunch my paper bones into a ball. Like seeing him, smelling him, feeling him near me. Hearing those voices. Nightmares where I wake up screaming, and I feel like I've lost against myself.

The nightmares are on another level, one I never want to go to. But some of the nightmares I've had in the past (you know the type that haunt you all day and when you get into bed you begin them again...) have actually happened, as of late.

I dreamed he (him..) was cheating with someone infront of me, and I cried and cried, and he just laughed and continued to do it. Blissfully unaware, or uncaring, of how I felt.

Nothing new, I guess.

I'm finding life exhausting. I feel like I could deal with punches. I could deal with a smack. I just can't deal with people crushing my heart on purpose. I can't. I can't be near him anymore. I asked him, begged him, to be here for me and he said he didn't know what to say. I think that's more hurtful than saying nothing at all. Takes me back to previous times when I've really needed him too; pregnancy, my 31 hour labour... And coming home with our newborn baby and being left every night. Oh my god. How can someone do that to another human being. It damn near killed me.

Now's my time to 'be strong' (I don't know how much stronger someone can be...), to look forward and not back. To go get the pills I need (because fuckwits in my life won't take them for themselves and now I'm having to do it, to deal with their bullshit), to go to the counselling sessions, to smile through Christmas and miss my baby for days on end...

I don't know if I'll cope but hey, what choice do I have?