Today I'm struggling, in more ways than one. I can't stop crying. There are some things I share far too much of, and then other parts I don't want to talk about at all.
Today I can't explain why I'm low, but it's not good. I will be fine, eventually, as always.
How many of us have had dreams growing up, dreams about certain careers, x amount of kids and a white picket fence, dreams about where we might live or land one day... How many have come true?
I had a dream a few years ago, when I was at a very low point in my life, and it got me through. I literally dreamed of this dream night after night. I saw a wooden place, with blue red and white colours throughout; ice cream of every flavour (even a 'Midnight' flavour, which isn't actually invented yet), rollerskating waitresses... Yeah.
A year later I was told, because of my PCOS and Endo, that my chances of having kids weren't too great. I remember a Gynaecologist telling me "As soon as you've found him, try." I was in my teens and this was a huge shock to me; not because I felt pressured by him to 'set up shop', but because I was terrified of not fulfilling my other dream; to become a mum and have a wonderful family of my own- maybe no white picket fence but a husband to love, who loves us...
I found him, and I knew it was awful timing for a baby so I didn't try. I was taking precautionary measures (aka "the pill") and just over a year later, there I was, lying on a bed with goo on my tummy and the ultrasound technician asking if I knew I was pregnant. I didn't know, and I was there for a pre-op scan which was meant to happen 5 days later, and obviously didn't happen as we found the cause of the pain.
Long story short, my dream of Midnight ice-cream and rollerskates, had to take a back seat. In fact I never really thought of it again until not long ago. I got excited at the thought of having my own business; something to call my baby, something to pour my heart into.
Then I realised I DID have a baby, she was growing up way too fast, and it was up to me to support her from here on in- I've had to learn the hard way not to rely on those who said they'd be there for me, those who promised not to hurt me, those who said they'd support me in more ways than one. I realised I might not get my dream job, might not have my own business, might not have the ideal family... But at least we would be happy and that's a lot more than other people can say they have.
My daughter is now 2 and it's taken me 2 years (+ 10 months of pregnancy) to *want* to work.
I struggled with school because I never really knew what I wanted to do apart from be a mum. And let me tell you now, I knew being a mum wouldn't be an easy way out of working. It's terrifying being a mother. At least with work you can sometimes call in sick. at least you get that x amount of hours sleep before your alarm goes off. Work doesn't vomit and pee the bed in one night, while you're trying to sleep after a hard day.
I am moving house soon and it seems to be the only thought keeping me afloat. That, plus 'work'. I will be able to sit behind a desk and focus on something else apart from the overwhelming sadness I feel for being rejected by a certain person.
The difference with working and being a fulltime parent, or any type of parent that does more than 20%, is that work (should, and generally) has set hours. You can do what you want with the hours outside of it. You can relax, you can spend it wherever you want, if you're a parent then you spend it with your beautiful kiddies- and it makes you happy...
I guess I'm just babbling as per usual but my point is that sometimes we have to let go of our dreams, let go of the Midnight ice cream and rollerskates, the idea of owning a business... Sometimes we have to put our happiness first. Sometimes, things just don't work, no matter how hard you try or how hard you want it. You have to know when to admit defeat.
If you can't find the balance between work and family; find a new career path, don't leave your family, because at the end of the day- they're the irreplaceable ones.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
11.11, 28/10/2012
You were my black, when everything was white.
You stole my days from under me and turned them all to nights.
You tore me down by starting them but never finishing fights,
And holding my heart in your hands was all that felt alright.
This pain isn't new; I'm struggling to breathe,
But down here on my knees...
I find my religion, and pray for release.
Your words are just air, and your lungs are too tight,
Something has cracked and there's a flickering of white.
But sadness consumes me, as it does in its way,
It protects me and warms me on the coldest of days.
I choose to survive, to be happy and 'fine',
I tell sadness to leave, "Today's only mine."
I offer my soul, as tired as it is,
But you turn it away with a bite and a hiss.
No, "Sorry" isn't enough, you know this by now,
Yet the games continue, as the pain makes me howl.
The howls turn to 'why?'s, the questions to cries,
The pain, still as sharp, is lessened by your lies.
The memories aren't balanced, bad wins every time...
You're a wild cat, untameable,
An anchor-less yacht.
And as I prayed for love, for me, tonight; for you I simply forgot.
You stole my days from under me and turned them all to nights.
You tore me down by starting them but never finishing fights,
And holding my heart in your hands was all that felt alright.
This pain isn't new; I'm struggling to breathe,
But down here on my knees...
I find my religion, and pray for release.
Your words are just air, and your lungs are too tight,
Something has cracked and there's a flickering of white.
But sadness consumes me, as it does in its way,
It protects me and warms me on the coldest of days.
I choose to survive, to be happy and 'fine',
I tell sadness to leave, "Today's only mine."
I offer my soul, as tired as it is,
But you turn it away with a bite and a hiss.
No, "Sorry" isn't enough, you know this by now,
Yet the games continue, as the pain makes me howl.
The howls turn to 'why?'s, the questions to cries,
The pain, still as sharp, is lessened by your lies.
The memories aren't balanced, bad wins every time...
You're a wild cat, untameable,
An anchor-less yacht.
And as I prayed for love, for me, tonight; for you I simply forgot.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
After a While
“After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and letting go of self,
Between holding a hand and letting go of self,
And you learn that it’s okay to lean on others
And sometimes you need the security of companionship.
And sometimes you need the security of companionship.
And you begin to learn that some kisses are meant as contracts
And, sometimes, a present is a promise of friendship and fidelity,
And, sometimes, a present is a promise of friendship and fidelity,
And you begin to accept that you are successful
With your head up and your eyes open
With the confidence of a woman, not the insecurity of a child,
With your head up and your eyes open
With the confidence of a woman, not the insecurity of a child,
And you learn to build your roads towards tomorrow
Because today is just a path towards where you want to be
And your future is what you choose to make of it.
Because today is just a path towards where you want to be
And your future is what you choose to make of it.
After a while you learn…
That the bright light of day helps a soul grow and flourish.
So you plant your garden and decorate your soul,
But you love and appreciate the people who bring you flowers.
But you love and appreciate the people who bring you flowers.
You learn that you really can be loved…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth…
And you learn and learn…
With every hello,
With every goodbye,
With every day you live,
With every goodbye,
With every day you live,
You learn.”
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Splash
Basically, you spend roughly 23 hours a day not wanting to do it, then an hour or so wanting to die, then the next 23 hours walking and moaning like the Tin Man. It's great fun.
Hopefully in another 26 days I'll be able to type with my elbows off the wood, it's not very comfortable.
I don't get to go out and see friends, and no one really comes to see me; so this is my main distraction from things at the moment and it's a good way to get out the pain I'm feeling inside.
You know when you're competing with another girl, for a guy? Well, if you don't know, it hurts more than labour (it's like giving birth not knowing whether you're having a doll or a baby, there's no guarantee the end is worth all the pain). Your heart constantly races and you feel like you've got to be on your best behaviour not only so you don't lose said 'guy', but also because you don't want the other girl to have him- he is yours. You want to say something, you need to open your heart and say you don't want to live without him but you can't because it will scare him off... But if you don't tell him, he won't want you because you don't want him?! Oh hell.
Anyway- I've been there done that for a long time now, sometimes without knowing there was another girl competing too...
So I haven't always been on my 'best' behaviour, because I have been busy raising my child and keeping us alive... And here we are.
My point to this post, I will eventually get to, but right now it's all a bit of a mess. I just get these "Oh, that'll make a good blog entry" ideas but I sort of forget to take the 'first left' and have to go all the way up the blogging motorway and do an illegal u-turn...
Damn just went past it again. Here we go. Good thing I've got petrol. (Well actually I don't, thanks Jillian)
There may be another girl or 5. But if there isn't, then there is two of him. And I'm competing with him, for him.
Isn't that ridiculous? How said 'guy' can be standing in his own way?!
Spent 4 years climbing the ladder to get to a diving board- 4 years of climbing is not so fun when you're swatting off zombies and mosquito's at your feet... Well 4 years of climbing isn't fun no matter what...
4 years climbing to the top- view is pretty damn good and the water looks mighty inviting all the way down there, but, lots of people are saying "Pfft, they won't jump". One of you does. And the other just can't. They were half right, as per usual.
Halfway down to the water, I realise am smiling. I am high on adrenalin and I throw out my hand, expecting him to grab it, to say "Yes I'm here, I wasn't behind you for the climb but I'm here now" and to bask in the craziness with me.
But he's not there.
I've committed to this bloody jump now haven't I.. I've got to hit that water on my own, there's no one there to take the pain away, nothing to soothe the harsh slap of water, and then I'll be submerged and then I'll have to climb out, humiliated I'm alone... It's not worth it any more and 4 years worth of climbing is 4 years worth of falling... Falling back through the 9am-outside-school-pool (that the teachers never got in, funny that!) icey blue water, falling through the heartache again. But my body is in a ball by the time I realise I'm in the water. I did it subconsciously to protect myself from the harshness, the pain, the cold.
I protected myself, like all those other times.
I'm still shivering, a bit, but I'm almost dry. Almost...
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Sweet Nothing (Calvin Harris and Florence)
You took my heart and you held it in your mouth
And, with a word all my love came rushing out
And, every whisper, it's the worst, emptied out by a single word
There is a hollow in me now
So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm trying to hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing
It isn't easy for me to let it go
Cause
I've swallowed every single word
And
Every whisper, every sigh
Eats away at this heart of mine
And there is a hollow in me now
So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm trying to hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing
And it's not enough
To tell me that you care
When, we both know the words are empty air
You give me nothing
THIS.
Climbing
"You cannot push anyone up the ladder unless he is willing to climb."
Almost want to say "Enough Said.", but there's so much more I need to say.
I haven't spoken to my mum in almost a week. Which is a ridiculously long time when we usually speak for a good hour on the phone each day. We live 5 minutes from each other.
She has MS- google it. I'm not going to delve into that because I'd be here all night, but basically, it not only effects (or affects?!) her body but her mental state as well. I've kind of always been the mother, and she's kind of always been the daughter. It's just the way it's kind-of-always been!
For the past couple of years, I've not only been raising my daughter but also been my mums main support person. Her 'friends' seem to come and go, there's always two sides to a story, I guess. She did have a boyfriend (2003-2007), who she moved to the other side of the country for.. But he ended up taking all her money, emotionally manipulating her against me and physically abusing me- which I still don't think anyone believes me over, because I didn't want to get CYF's involved (I knew I'd get even more hurt/cause my mum more strife).
Being the 'main support person', it means most days I have to endure the side effects of her M.S- sometimes it's abuse about my brother (whom she lives with, and his girlfriend) or his girlfriend, sometimes it's about my dad (they divorced when I was 2), sometimes about her own brothers or deceased parents... And sometimes it's about me. Well most times it's about me, or comes back to me.
Long story short, with my mum, I have to bite my tongue. I can't justify anything, I can't defend myself or my own family because then she loses it or hangs up- or both. I'm always "defensive" and there's always sarcasm thrown at me.
One of the last conversations we had, she was talking about my brother. He is now 28, owns his own home, has a steady job/income, is self-sufficient and looks after my mum/his girlfriend. He is a brilliant man, very clever, calm and collected- oh and plays the guitar (many types) excellently. Anyway, mum likes to go back to the past, and by past I mean 1993 when my parents divorced. My brother is not my dad's son, and his dad lives in Australia.
Mum likes to go back there and trawl through every memory (which I have no doubt is painful for her), and remind me how much better I've had it than my brother. I'll just say quickly that my dad worked fulltime (Marine Surveyor) and raised me mostly on his own as mum was too sick. So, no, I didn't have 'a mother and a father', and neither did my brother. There's no competition or jealousy between my brother and I- we love each other dearly and he is a fantastic uncle to my daughter. I have to let things slide- I have to calm her down and tell her "That's how you feel, rightfully, but S (my brother) is fine. He is happy, he is fine. He's doing well... He's okay now.". Meanwhile I'm thinking "Oh dear god shut up or I will throw this phone at the wall. I know it was hard, all divorces are. It's not my fault his dad lives in Australia, it's not my fault my dad looked after me, if he didn't you couldn't have!!!". I have caused my tongue to bleed from biting it, many times.
Her reply was "Yes he is, and I have myself to thank for who he is. I raised him on my own without my parents help, without a fairy godmother and with no help from anyone. I did it ON MY OWN.". This was very much a dig at me, I don't know why. Someone is always jealous/envious of my life and it baffles me, it kills me that most days its my own mother. Apparently my grandparents did help her financially and in no way was she alone- but she pushed away all support that was offered; I haven't.
My dad has money, he's not rolling in it but he's able to feed and clothe himself easily. I've never had money thrown at me. I've had to beg or work for mostly everything I've been given. Dad and I weren't close during my teenage years and before I had my daughter- he didn't want me to have her but when she was born he changed completely (typical!). My "Fairy Godmother" is a very close friend of mine, who my mum knew before I did (she worked at the MS Society) but mum ofcourse ruined that relationship- for too many reasons to write. But yes, I do have (emotional, a little financial and also child-minding) support now, none of which is taken for granted. I appreciate all the help I'm given but I do know I could do it on my own if I had to. I've had my dads wealth used against me my whole life, mostly by my mother, but also people think I'm spoilt- I wish I was sometimes!!!! I have to laugh it off but it does hurt that people don't think I've worked for anything I own, or have achieved.
When someone has a mental illness, or illness, you have to loosen the lead. You have to cut all expectations. You have to bite your tongue until it bleeds. You have to forgive and forget the things said- of course it makes a difference when they actually apologise though (which never happens here). You have to put yourself in their shoes, as best as you can, and empathise.
Sometimes you have to show up on their doorstep with chocolate. Sometimes you have to save for that perfume they cry over not being able to afford, just so they stop crying- you'd do almost anything to see them happy because of the times they made you happy.
But sometimes, after all those other sometimes, you have to ask yourself "What are *they* doing to help themselves?"...
My mum pushes away any support people offer her, or accepts it and ends up ruining it somehow- and blames it on the other person. I know a few people who don't like taking responsibility for their actions...!
Yeah, anyway. There comes a point, when being someone's support person becomes too much. When it effects your life, your own moods, your sleep... I'm a mother too!!! I can't put myself first, it's my girls position on the leaderboard, and when someone ELSE wants to come second instead of me- not gonna happen.
I've currently got two people fighting to come after my girl on the board, and that'd mean I come fourth.
No way.
I've always loved people 'unconditionally' and done what they wanted, just to please them. I still do love these two people dearly, it'll never go away, but right now I need to come second- not fourth.
I'm trying to plan my 'fresh start' and it's a huge thing to make life-changing decisions, so I need a clear head.
The two people I'm talking about, well it's pretty obvious one is my mum. The other one knows who he is. All these blog posts are about him.
I can't pour all my energy into people who not only don't appreciate it, but don't want it and don't want to change.
Be the victim, but let me move on with my life.
I can't give anymore than I've given. Years and years wasted on trying to help him change, not his clothes or haircut or weight- his behaviour which is breaking him apart, and our family which has been broken for a long time. Hours and hours on the phone, listening to abuse, trying to calm her down... I don't have the time anymore and it never did her any good.
I'm done. I'm moving the hell on whether they want me to or not.
And it's funny- they both think the other is an awful person.
They are exactly the same.
Almost want to say "Enough Said.", but there's so much more I need to say.
I haven't spoken to my mum in almost a week. Which is a ridiculously long time when we usually speak for a good hour on the phone each day. We live 5 minutes from each other.
She has MS- google it. I'm not going to delve into that because I'd be here all night, but basically, it not only effects (or affects?!) her body but her mental state as well. I've kind of always been the mother, and she's kind of always been the daughter. It's just the way it's kind-of-always been!
For the past couple of years, I've not only been raising my daughter but also been my mums main support person. Her 'friends' seem to come and go, there's always two sides to a story, I guess. She did have a boyfriend (2003-2007), who she moved to the other side of the country for.. But he ended up taking all her money, emotionally manipulating her against me and physically abusing me- which I still don't think anyone believes me over, because I didn't want to get CYF's involved (I knew I'd get even more hurt/cause my mum more strife).
Being the 'main support person', it means most days I have to endure the side effects of her M.S- sometimes it's abuse about my brother (whom she lives with, and his girlfriend) or his girlfriend, sometimes it's about my dad (they divorced when I was 2), sometimes about her own brothers or deceased parents... And sometimes it's about me. Well most times it's about me, or comes back to me.
Long story short, with my mum, I have to bite my tongue. I can't justify anything, I can't defend myself or my own family because then she loses it or hangs up- or both. I'm always "defensive" and there's always sarcasm thrown at me.
One of the last conversations we had, she was talking about my brother. He is now 28, owns his own home, has a steady job/income, is self-sufficient and looks after my mum/his girlfriend. He is a brilliant man, very clever, calm and collected- oh and plays the guitar (many types) excellently. Anyway, mum likes to go back to the past, and by past I mean 1993 when my parents divorced. My brother is not my dad's son, and his dad lives in Australia.
Mum likes to go back there and trawl through every memory (which I have no doubt is painful for her), and remind me how much better I've had it than my brother. I'll just say quickly that my dad worked fulltime (Marine Surveyor) and raised me mostly on his own as mum was too sick. So, no, I didn't have 'a mother and a father', and neither did my brother. There's no competition or jealousy between my brother and I- we love each other dearly and he is a fantastic uncle to my daughter. I have to let things slide- I have to calm her down and tell her "That's how you feel, rightfully, but S (my brother) is fine. He is happy, he is fine. He's doing well... He's okay now.". Meanwhile I'm thinking "Oh dear god shut up or I will throw this phone at the wall. I know it was hard, all divorces are. It's not my fault his dad lives in Australia, it's not my fault my dad looked after me, if he didn't you couldn't have!!!". I have caused my tongue to bleed from biting it, many times.
Her reply was "Yes he is, and I have myself to thank for who he is. I raised him on my own without my parents help, without a fairy godmother and with no help from anyone. I did it ON MY OWN.". This was very much a dig at me, I don't know why. Someone is always jealous/envious of my life and it baffles me, it kills me that most days its my own mother. Apparently my grandparents did help her financially and in no way was she alone- but she pushed away all support that was offered; I haven't.
My dad has money, he's not rolling in it but he's able to feed and clothe himself easily. I've never had money thrown at me. I've had to beg or work for mostly everything I've been given. Dad and I weren't close during my teenage years and before I had my daughter- he didn't want me to have her but when she was born he changed completely (typical!). My "Fairy Godmother" is a very close friend of mine, who my mum knew before I did (she worked at the MS Society) but mum ofcourse ruined that relationship- for too many reasons to write. But yes, I do have (emotional, a little financial and also child-minding) support now, none of which is taken for granted. I appreciate all the help I'm given but I do know I could do it on my own if I had to. I've had my dads wealth used against me my whole life, mostly by my mother, but also people think I'm spoilt- I wish I was sometimes!!!! I have to laugh it off but it does hurt that people don't think I've worked for anything I own, or have achieved.
When someone has a mental illness, or illness, you have to loosen the lead. You have to cut all expectations. You have to bite your tongue until it bleeds. You have to forgive and forget the things said- of course it makes a difference when they actually apologise though (which never happens here). You have to put yourself in their shoes, as best as you can, and empathise.
Sometimes you have to show up on their doorstep with chocolate. Sometimes you have to save for that perfume they cry over not being able to afford, just so they stop crying- you'd do almost anything to see them happy because of the times they made you happy.
But sometimes, after all those other sometimes, you have to ask yourself "What are *they* doing to help themselves?"...
My mum pushes away any support people offer her, or accepts it and ends up ruining it somehow- and blames it on the other person. I know a few people who don't like taking responsibility for their actions...!
Yeah, anyway. There comes a point, when being someone's support person becomes too much. When it effects your life, your own moods, your sleep... I'm a mother too!!! I can't put myself first, it's my girls position on the leaderboard, and when someone ELSE wants to come second instead of me- not gonna happen.
I've currently got two people fighting to come after my girl on the board, and that'd mean I come fourth.
No way.
I've always loved people 'unconditionally' and done what they wanted, just to please them. I still do love these two people dearly, it'll never go away, but right now I need to come second- not fourth.
I'm trying to plan my 'fresh start' and it's a huge thing to make life-changing decisions, so I need a clear head.
The two people I'm talking about, well it's pretty obvious one is my mum. The other one knows who he is. All these blog posts are about him.
I can't pour all my energy into people who not only don't appreciate it, but don't want it and don't want to change.
Be the victim, but let me move on with my life.
I can't give anymore than I've given. Years and years wasted on trying to help him change, not his clothes or haircut or weight- his behaviour which is breaking him apart, and our family which has been broken for a long time. Hours and hours on the phone, listening to abuse, trying to calm her down... I don't have the time anymore and it never did her any good.
I'm done. I'm moving the hell on whether they want me to or not.
And it's funny- they both think the other is an awful person.
They are exactly the same.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Stop tearing your hair out.
My friend told me, earlier this evening, that "maybe I should blog" tonight.
Today has been rough...
The last few days haven't been much better.
Don't get me started on the weeks and months.
I don't really know where to start, but I look at the past few lines I've written and realise I started just fine; it's been done without even noticing.
Sometimes I guess life is a bit like that - it just 'happens while we're busy making plans', right?
Days don't stop. The Earth doesn't really care whether we've had a good/bad/wonderful/awful day. It keeps on spinning.- Which I used to think was a bad thing, but today, it feels like the best thing. Something has to stay the same, please, anything, just some small drop of normality...
I seem to be in a better mood when the Sun is out; but in an even better mood once the stars prick the night sky with light. There's something about the stars, they make me feel hopeful and safe, they bring a bit of magic to the darkness. Just imagine how I feel about the moon! haha..
I know that for the past couple of months, I've lost what small control I had of my emotions. They're "all over the place like a mad woman's shit" as my mum would say. For a good week (well, not sure, read my last post "Green Bird") I lost myself. I continued parenting, because I had to, no one was going to 'take over'. And then in the times I was alone (if my girl wasn't there, or was asleep), I would lose track of time. I would cry so hard I couldn't breathe- all air was gone. I thought I was going to die and I will be honest, I wasn't scared.
I opened up, I was trampled on and then I saw the back of him.
There are a lot of painful memories from the past 4 years but what is most painful, I think, is when I finally give him what he wants; and it's not enough. This has not been the first time.
It's like tearing your hair out because the person wants a bald girlfriend. You tear it out, to prove a point- to prove how much pain you're going through for them; you pull out each hair one by one.
You feel ugly, you feel disgusting when you're bald. You liked your hair, you had body issues but you were OKAY with your hair. And now it's gone.
And now he's cheating on you with a girl who's hair is down to her ass.*
I think that's me done for the night.
Just listened to this song and bawled my eyes out (first time in a few hours, I'm proud!), it even talks about stars haha... (I thought of it when I wrote "tearing your hair out")
This.
* perhaps not actually cheating this time, but it doesn't make any difference any more.
Today has been rough...
The last few days haven't been much better.
Don't get me started on the weeks and months.
I don't really know where to start, but I look at the past few lines I've written and realise I started just fine; it's been done without even noticing.
Sometimes I guess life is a bit like that - it just 'happens while we're busy making plans', right?
Days don't stop. The Earth doesn't really care whether we've had a good/bad/wonderful/awful day. It keeps on spinning.- Which I used to think was a bad thing, but today, it feels like the best thing. Something has to stay the same, please, anything, just some small drop of normality...
I seem to be in a better mood when the Sun is out; but in an even better mood once the stars prick the night sky with light. There's something about the stars, they make me feel hopeful and safe, they bring a bit of magic to the darkness. Just imagine how I feel about the moon! haha..
I know that for the past couple of months, I've lost what small control I had of my emotions. They're "all over the place like a mad woman's shit" as my mum would say. For a good week (well, not sure, read my last post "Green Bird") I lost myself. I continued parenting, because I had to, no one was going to 'take over'. And then in the times I was alone (if my girl wasn't there, or was asleep), I would lose track of time. I would cry so hard I couldn't breathe- all air was gone. I thought I was going to die and I will be honest, I wasn't scared.
I opened up, I was trampled on and then I saw the back of him.
There are a lot of painful memories from the past 4 years but what is most painful, I think, is when I finally give him what he wants; and it's not enough. This has not been the first time.
It's like tearing your hair out because the person wants a bald girlfriend. You tear it out, to prove a point- to prove how much pain you're going through for them; you pull out each hair one by one.
You feel ugly, you feel disgusting when you're bald. You liked your hair, you had body issues but you were OKAY with your hair. And now it's gone.
And now he's cheating on you with a girl who's hair is down to her ass.*
I think that's me done for the night.
Just listened to this song and bawled my eyes out (first time in a few hours, I'm proud!), it even talks about stars haha... (I thought of it when I wrote "tearing your hair out")
This.
* perhaps not actually cheating this time, but it doesn't make any difference any more.
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