Basically, you spend roughly 23 hours a day not wanting to do it, then an hour or so wanting to die, then the next 23 hours walking and moaning like the Tin Man. It's great fun.
Hopefully in another 26 days I'll be able to type with my elbows off the wood, it's not very comfortable.
I don't get to go out and see friends, and no one really comes to see me; so this is my main distraction from things at the moment and it's a good way to get out the pain I'm feeling inside.
You know when you're competing with another girl, for a guy? Well, if you don't know, it hurts more than labour (it's like giving birth not knowing whether you're having a doll or a baby, there's no guarantee the end is worth all the pain). Your heart constantly races and you feel like you've got to be on your best behaviour not only so you don't lose said 'guy', but also because you don't want the other girl to have him- he is yours. You want to say something, you need to open your heart and say you don't want to live without him but you can't because it will scare him off... But if you don't tell him, he won't want you because you don't want him?! Oh hell.
Anyway- I've been there done that for a long time now, sometimes without knowing there was another girl competing too...
So I haven't always been on my 'best' behaviour, because I have been busy raising my child and keeping us alive... And here we are.
My point to this post, I will eventually get to, but right now it's all a bit of a mess. I just get these "Oh, that'll make a good blog entry" ideas but I sort of forget to take the 'first left' and have to go all the way up the blogging motorway and do an illegal u-turn...
Damn just went past it again. Here we go. Good thing I've got petrol. (Well actually I don't, thanks Jillian)
There may be another girl or 5. But if there isn't, then there is two of him. And I'm competing with him, for him.
Isn't that ridiculous? How said 'guy' can be standing in his own way?!
Spent 4 years climbing the ladder to get to a diving board- 4 years of climbing is not so fun when you're swatting off zombies and mosquito's at your feet... Well 4 years of climbing isn't fun no matter what...
4 years climbing to the top- view is pretty damn good and the water looks mighty inviting all the way down there, but, lots of people are saying "Pfft, they won't jump". One of you does. And the other just can't. They were half right, as per usual.
Halfway down to the water, I realise am smiling. I am high on adrenalin and I throw out my hand, expecting him to grab it, to say "Yes I'm here, I wasn't behind you for the climb but I'm here now" and to bask in the craziness with me.
But he's not there.
I've committed to this bloody jump now haven't I.. I've got to hit that water on my own, there's no one there to take the pain away, nothing to soothe the harsh slap of water, and then I'll be submerged and then I'll have to climb out, humiliated I'm alone... It's not worth it any more and 4 years worth of climbing is 4 years worth of falling... Falling back through the 9am-outside-school-pool (that the teachers never got in, funny that!) icey blue water, falling through the heartache again. But my body is in a ball by the time I realise I'm in the water. I did it subconsciously to protect myself from the harshness, the pain, the cold.
I protected myself, like all those other times.
I'm still shivering, a bit, but I'm almost dry. Almost...
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