Climbing

"You cannot push anyone up the ladder unless he is willing to climb." 


Almost want to say "Enough Said.", but there's so much more I need to say.

I haven't spoken to my mum in almost a week. Which is a ridiculously long time when we usually speak for a good hour on the phone each day. We live 5 minutes from each other.

She has MS- google it. I'm not going to delve into that because I'd be here all night, but basically, it not only effects (or affects?!) her body but her mental state as well. I've kind of always been the mother, and she's kind of always been the daughter. It's just the way it's kind-of-always been! 

For the past couple of years, I've not only been raising my daughter but also been my mums main support person. Her 'friends' seem to come and go, there's always two sides to a story, I guess. She did have a boyfriend (2003-2007), who she moved to the other side of the country for.. But he ended up taking all her money, emotionally manipulating her against me and physically abusing me- which I still don't think anyone believes me over, because I didn't want to get CYF's involved (I knew I'd get even more hurt/cause my mum more strife).

Being the 'main support person', it means most days I have to endure the side effects of her M.S- sometimes it's abuse about my brother (whom she lives with, and his girlfriend) or his girlfriend, sometimes it's about my dad (they divorced when I was 2), sometimes about her own brothers or deceased parents... And sometimes it's about me. Well most times it's about me, or comes back to me.

Long story short, with my mum, I have to bite my tongue. I can't justify anything, I can't defend myself or my own family because then she loses it or hangs up- or both. I'm always "defensive" and there's always sarcasm thrown at me.

One of the last conversations we had, she was talking about my brother. He is now 28, owns his own home, has a steady job/income, is self-sufficient and looks after my mum/his girlfriend. He is a brilliant man, very clever, calm and collected- oh and plays the guitar (many types) excellently. Anyway, mum likes to go back to the past, and by past I mean 1993 when my parents divorced. My brother is not my dad's son, and his dad lives in Australia.

Mum likes to go back there and trawl through every memory (which I have no doubt is painful for her), and remind me how much better I've had it than my brother. I'll just say quickly that my dad worked fulltime (Marine Surveyor) and raised me mostly on his own as mum was too sick. So, no, I didn't have 'a mother and a father', and neither did my brother. There's no competition or jealousy between my brother and I- we love each other dearly and he is a fantastic uncle to my daughter. I have to let things slide- I have to calm her down and tell her "That's how you feel, rightfully, but S (my brother) is fine. He is happy, he is fine. He's doing well... He's okay now.". Meanwhile I'm thinking "Oh dear god shut up or I will throw this phone at the wall. I know it was hard, all divorces are. It's not my fault his dad lives in Australia, it's not my fault my dad looked after me, if he didn't you couldn't have!!!". I have caused my tongue to bleed from biting it, many times.

Her reply was "Yes he is, and I have myself to thank for who he is. I raised him on my own without my parents help, without a fairy godmother and with no help from anyone. I did it ON MY OWN.". This was very much a dig at me, I don't know why. Someone is always jealous/envious of my life and it baffles me, it kills me that most days its my own mother. Apparently my grandparents did help her financially and in no way was she alone- but she pushed away all support that was offered; I haven't.

My dad has money, he's not rolling in it but he's able to feed and clothe himself easily. I've never had money thrown at me. I've had to beg or work for mostly everything I've been given. Dad and I weren't close during my teenage years and before I had my daughter- he didn't want me to have her but when she was born he changed completely (typical!). My "Fairy Godmother" is a very close friend of mine, who my mum knew before I did (she worked at the MS Society) but mum ofcourse ruined that relationship- for too many reasons to write. But yes, I do have (emotional, a little financial and also child-minding) support now, none of which is taken for granted. I appreciate all the help I'm given but I do know I could do it on my own if I had to. I've had my dads wealth used against me my whole life, mostly by my mother, but also people think I'm spoilt- I wish I was sometimes!!!! I have to laugh it off but it does hurt that people don't think I've worked for anything I own, or have achieved.


When someone has a mental illness, or illness, you have to loosen the lead. You have to cut all expectations. You have to bite your tongue until it bleeds. You have to forgive and forget the things said- of course it makes a difference when they actually apologise though (which never happens here). You have to put yourself in their shoes, as best as you can, and empathise.

Sometimes you have to show up on their doorstep with chocolate. Sometimes you have to save for that perfume they cry over not being able to afford, just so they stop crying- you'd do almost anything to see them happy because of the times they made you happy.

But sometimes, after all those other sometimes, you have to ask yourself "What are *they* doing to help themselves?"...

My mum pushes away any support people offer her, or accepts it and ends up ruining it somehow- and blames it on the other person. I know a few people who don't like taking responsibility for their actions...!

Yeah, anyway. There comes a point, when being someone's support person becomes too much. When it effects your life, your own moods, your sleep... I'm a mother too!!! I can't put myself first, it's my girls position on the leaderboard, and when someone ELSE wants to come second instead of me- not gonna happen.

I've currently got two people fighting to come after my girl on the board, and that'd mean I come fourth.

No way.

I've always loved people 'unconditionally' and done what they wanted, just to please them. I still do love these two people dearly, it'll never go away, but right now I need to come second- not fourth.

I'm trying to plan my 'fresh start' and it's a huge thing to make life-changing decisions, so I need a clear head.

The two people I'm talking about, well it's pretty obvious one is my mum. The other one knows who he is. All these blog posts are about him.

I can't pour all my energy into people who not only don't appreciate it, but don't want it and don't want to change.

Be the victim, but let me move on with my life.

I can't give anymore than I've given. Years and years wasted on trying to help him change, not his clothes or haircut or weight- his behaviour which is breaking him apart, and our family which has been broken for a long time. Hours and hours on the phone, listening to abuse, trying to calm her down... I don't have the time anymore and it never did her any good.

I'm done. I'm moving the hell on whether they want me to or not.

And it's funny- they both think the other is an awful person. 

They are exactly the same.