Failing or falling...

I haven't written for a while. And I realise that it's not because what I was thinking and what was in my head; wasn't worth writing... It's that I didn't want to admit what I was feeling.

Down patches are the reason that the good patches, are just that.

Before I conceived this tiny baby girl (who doesn't feel so tiny any more!29weeks,people!), I used to go through very extreme emotional phases. Ecstasy, violence, anger, love, infatuation... The calm never came unless I'd downed a few glasses of cheap wine.

But since being pregnant, my emotional highs and lows are less high and low and *just past* the medium for me. I see it like this...

1.LOW--------------------------5.MEDIUM--------------------------10.HIGH

I used to hang around 1 and 10. And now the lowest I feel is 3. The highest I feel is mostly 8.

It's like I'm back on Prozac but I don't have side effects... Wait, I kinda do. Pregnancy side effects... But still.

I love that I won't fall to the very bottom. I love that even when I get hurt; I cry and it leaves me breathless. But then I breathe again. And breathing again seems to make it all better...

I guess I'm talking crap, but for those who know what I mean; well, you know what I mean.

Some days are tragic, and I get asked how my day was... I usually say "Not the best but not as bad as it could've been." Because believe me; I have had worse. Much much worse.

On a different note; thinking back to this time last year... I was living at home, and swinging back and forth between love and hate/ 1-10 on my scale.

2 years ago, I was boarding at a family friends house. I had my own space yet had people around who cared about me. Was awesome...

3 years ago, same as above! I had just moved there. I was 16.

4 years ago, 2006, I was living with my mum in Westport, NZ. I was so different... I was 15... I had left school and was pottering along, finding my way in life. Finding my feet, and heart, everything.

5 years ago, it was 2005. I can barely even think back that far... I was 4th form at high school and I didn't mind it too much... I loved my teacher he was great... I lived at dads... I had boys hanging off me (I remember I used to send 6000 texts a month! How insane is that?) and black and pink hair... Toned tanned legs... Everything was dandy!

6 years ago, 2004, was about the same as above apart from the hair... I was a blonde. And did blonde things. I went to school because I had to; just like 2005. I lost my baby, and a part of myself. I guess I've been searching for that missing puzzle piece ever since. She is not being replaced by Peach; nor will she ever be replaced. Sometimes I think that the wee gap is always meant to be there. It's her puzzle piece; air.

Life changes so much, so fast. It all seems like yesterday. My heart being broken for the first time, sneaking out for the first time, DRINKING for the first time (and falling down stairs and breaking someone's vase.. sorry...), falling in and out of lust, being bullied, forgetting to do homework, butterflies, sleep ins, a house with people in it.... FOOOOOD....

Now it's just me, falling in love with this baby of mine; the only way I know how. It is falling, not failing. Once I was seen as a failure but now I don't even care what people think. I'm focussed on her, and myself.

Promises mean everything when you're little

This song sums me up. Funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQiBop5ns8k

What I miss

Since being pregnant; people always ask me if I miss going to town or if I miss drinking.

What I miss most are antihistamines, ibuprofen, and Omeprazole.

I miss Sushi.

I miss chicken, cranberry, Camembert & salad sandwiches from a certain bakery.

I miss the gym. God I miss it. I don't miss exercise; I miss putting my headphones in and gripping onto the handles of the weird machine I loved... I miss watching my heartrate go to 200, 204, 195, 209....

I loved the screaming rage in my head coming out in the form of sweat; and being swept away by my towel. I loved being thirsty and drinking freezing cold water from my drink bottle. I miss the burn in my legs and arms and watching the kilometres add up...

I can't risk it though; babies safety isn't worth risking. My heart just goes up too high (200+...way too high) and I'm already feeling weak as it is.

But I miss not sniffling and itching my face. I miss being able to get rid of a headache in minutes. Likewise with reflux.

In a way I guess I do miss town; but drama always broke out. Someone cried, someone vomited, an ex came my way, someone tried to get in my taxi and come home with me... the list goes on. I liked town for the same reason as I liked the gym; venting my anger. But I don't miss not being drunk enough to realise how gross the men were, or how drugged the 'women' (underage girls) were.

I haven't changed much. I've become a mummy. I've become the version of me who cares more about someone she hasn't even met yet. I've become my best self; who I've strived to be, for ever.

It's a pity though, that the people I love most, don't want to experience this huge change for me, with me.

I guess it's just me and you, baby.

You had me

I was an accident.

We were unplanned. We too were an accident.

My baby girl is the best accident I've ever made:)

But to feel like I am a mistake; is the worst feeling in the world.

It's accepting that I can only control my own views on the world;... My own actions... My own voice...That makes the difference.

Three people in my life who I have worked my ass off for to try make happy; will never be happy. Never. And I can't fix that. I can only make myself happy.

It's nothing to do with money; or materials... It's the family dinners, and the hugs... The long phone conversations that end with 'I love you' and 'I love you too's...

It's the heartache when you're hung up on. The unfinished conversation and silent 'I love you' said through tears.

I am one of those people who are super sensitive. Everything either makes me smile or cry. I feel everything. I don't lie, I don't try and fool myself either. I give my all, to whoever, whatever, whenever.

I only ever ask for help when I really need it. I hate asking for money; and I rarely ever do. I would rather go without than ask for help. I don't like feeling like a victim. I know I can look after myself; I always have.

I'm always there for people when they ask for help. I would bend over backwards (can't literally do this anymore) for the people I love.

When it's all thrown back in my face in the form of a text; or a phone call, or a dramatic act infront of a friend... It's all over. You've lost me.

I am so tired of giving everyone; everything. I'm exhausted. I've been myself, all of the time; and been so honest and loved people PROPERLY the only way I know how.

Growing up without the love & respect I know I deserved, has taught me that everyone deserves it until they don't. But a child cannot NOT deserve love and respect; that is so twisted.

I have never regretted anything. I never will. Because I'm happy. And if I regret something it means I'm unhappy and wish I could go back. I don't wish anything. I only hope....

I have apologised/been expected to apologise so many times for being upset and rightfully lashing out at people. SO MANY TIMES. But not once have I ever had a real apology from anyone who's hurt me.

I'm done with apologies because no one ever returns them. Why am I always the one pouring my broken heart out and making an effort to fix things when no one else gives a flying f*** ? It's so frustrating and disrespectful. I'm sick of being everyone's fixer!!!

My first boyfriend broke my heart after I lost our baby, and he repeatedly said "I'm sorry". I felt sorry for him more than anything. Because he didn't even know what he was apologising for. A few more people have carried on this tradition too.

Anyway. I've had a rough few days with the so called 'family' I thought I was a part of.

I don't know if I'm the ugly duckling or the black sheep but whatever the hell I am; I'm sure as hell nothing like the people I came from or love.

So; to all the important people in my life. Know I have loved you with everything I have, I have always done the best by you and our relationships. I respected you once. I looked up to you. I loved you.

You had me 24/7, whenever you needed me, for whatever. I was there for you.

I'm not any more.

You know who you are; who you've been in my life... How important you were. And how HORRIBLY you have hurt me.

The only way for me to get through heartache is to leave it behind and ignore it. I've done it before. So many times. I have done it again; I did it last night. I spent 6 hours with 2 (different people) very special people in my life who know how much I care about them and they actually return the respect. They are my family. They don't lie to me, they care, they show me they care too. I'm sick of the people in my life who are all talk. They do nothing about anything. Talk the talk only if you'll walk the walk because if I'm willing to hold your bloody hand while you walk then why won't you!?

Done. Done done done.

The perfect song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bhip6_ynBn0

This makes me want to meet my little crazy girl RIGHT NOW. I love her so much... It's insane.

I've had issues in the past. They are completely gone. My head has never been this clear in my life. I've never not had gut pain apart from now.... The headaches are gone, finally. I can eat normally. I am healthy for the first time in a hell of a long time.

I have amazing energy surges that I've never had before. . .

I'm extremely grateful for those who are helping me... I am so much more appreciative of the great people in my life who are truly amazing... In many ways.

Pregnancy makes you have crazy hormone levels right? Well; I think it's the same for every one else around as well. I'm really beginning to see who my true friends are. Likewise with my family. Those who I loved; are no longer mine to love. It's hard to explain and unless you're inside my head, you won't get it.

I think I'm finally living by my tattoo; Let it be.

I'm letting go of things that were too painful to hold onto. And keeping my hands free until this beautiful little girl comes into the big bad world for me to hold. She won't cause me pain. Sleepless nights; sore back... Tears.. But nothing like the pain I've experienced from the other people in my life.

Life, huh.

to you

Love isn't finding a perfect person.

It's seeing an imperfect person, perfectly.

Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed; to those who still believe even though

they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

Milkless Sunday

I've run out of milk. . . Well, I haven't but the fridge has.

I wish there were taps for cold milk and not just water. I wish there was a juice tap, milk tap, and water. Perfecto.

I also wish my stupid neighbours would shut up. Almost 4 nights in a row now of bassy music. I hate it.. I hate it.

My back is killing me... I suppose it's from carrying this little tub of a girl around ;). All worth it, but my god! I know it's only going to get worse..

Autumn/Winter are my favourite seasons and I'm beginning to wonder why... Summer is too hot and you can't escape the heat. And Winter is cold; but you can get warm inside. It's easier to have both hot and cold temperatures to alternate back and forth from... Rather than just one.

The rains pouring down and I'm thinking it's time for sleep. I'm sure there will be some horrible dreams in tow from the day I've had today.

Sometimes things are so perfect that they're scary. Like leaves under your feet that look like stars; putting into perspective exactly how much everything *at that moment* is upside down.

Life can be perfect if only for an hour or so... But like I always say; the good/perfect days are worth the bad/imperfect days. I would rather have good and bad than boring!

Saw some paradise ducks today; got a wee bit teary eyed. They are so gorgeous. I then heard another female calling for her mate and it made me wonder; what d0 ducks think about? ...

Time for sleep and weird thoughts about duckies.