Grief.

Last night I slept from 9pm until 11am today.

I think I pre-empted what was going to happen this afternoon...

Pure heart break.

Feeling it coming is the worst; the calm before the storm, I guess.

I can't even tell if the storms passed yet. It hasn't in my heart, but maybe in my head it has.

He's stopped texting me, I assume he's asleep.

Baby has been kicking me all night and I've realised she stops when I talk. It's like she gets a fright, either that or she wants me to talk her back to sleep.

How is it possible to love someone and give them yourself for a good 16 months and yet get only abuse in return... And still have the same flicker of hope after everything that has happened..?

I'm so lost, in myself, in his words, in his lies and his truths (ones I can't seem to seperate). Things he say hit me harder than a bullet would. Atleast a bullet can be taken out. And the shooter can go to jail. But for causing heart ache through text messages and emails; there is no sentence in prison for that.

I wish I could get over him. I despise myself some days for being caught up in this love-net still, when I have had so many chances to get out of it. Maybe it's because, seeing it like a net; sometimes the net becomes a hammock. As in, when times are good, I'm relaxed and happy being in it. When times are bad, I'm caught in it like a fish in a net... I become stressed and unhappy and scared for my life.

I also see him as an addiction; a love drug. The longer I stay away from him... the better I begin to feel. But lately, I can't seem to stay away for 48 hours unless there is some damn good reason to.

Confused isn't even the beginning of how I'm feeling. Today's meltdown was one of the worst I have ever had. Crying in front of people I have never cried in front of and bawling to a nurse (who knows the entire situation) and howling to people on the phone. I want to be in control of my emotions and maybe I was. I needed to let the tears out. I never cry anymore.

Sometimes I just want to turn up at his house and vent everything but I would look like an idiot because he ALREADY KNOWS.

Confused because-I can't stand being told things and then have them taken back.

I don't tell people I love them unless they are worth going to hell and back for; to prove that I do.

It's like respect... Some people deserve it and some just don't. I start off on a mutual ground of respect when I meet someone. They don't deserve it; nor do they not deserve it. Only time will tell. - The same goes with love.

So howcome I can't stop loving him? Howcome. Why do I put myself through this? He doesn't deserve respect after everything he has put me through, nor does he deserve love.

A part of me sees him as a wounded soldier. Albeit, a soldier fighting for the wrong war and wrong reasons but still. Someone who has gone into a huge battle, ill-prepared. And I can't help but love and want to protect him. Even if it's me that's been hurt more. I guess I'm one of those stupid nurses in the war who darts around after people... Urgh, thoughts have gotten away from me... *and the dish ran away with the spoon*. . .

I want to say "on a lighter note" but today there isn't one. I know that 'this too shall pass' and that I should just follow my tattoo and 'let it be' but that's something I always do. And he does as well.

"Fate" "Destiny" "Miracles"... they happen but they're in our control. We control our fate and our destiny, and miracles happen along the way if we deserve them or not. Life isn't a bowl of cake batter, you don't just skid around the edges and dip your finger in every now and again and hope for the best... Life is a cold sink full of dirty dishes and you have to get your hands dirty to get them clean.

I hate dishes, but they have to be done to get the bench clean and to get my head clear of clutter.

Whats getting to me, is people saying "just focus on your baby". Hmm, there's really not much to focus on YET. She will be here soon and I will fully focus on her but for now, all I can focus on are her kicks and movements.

Someone else told me to get a fulltime job to take my mind off him... L O L. My job with my wee kiddies is enough to take my mind off him but when I sit down and breathe for a second, all I can smell is him. All I can see when I close my eyes are his eyes looking back. It's so haunting.

A part of me feels as though he has died. And I think, to me, he has. The man I fell in love with I don't think will ever return. Or I will never see him again, at least.

He bought me chocolates for my birthday and it's so horrible eating them because all that's left are little shells of what 'was'. And that's so *DEEP* for a bloody box of chocolates. Silly hormones from bubby.

I cry when I eat them!!! That is so tragic.

I've stopped myself crying, just by trying to focus on this blog. Which makes for a change because I've been crying non stop really since 2pm (so 10 hours). My eyes are killing me. As is my headache.

Have you ever purposely listened to sad songs to see how far your heart can drop before you bounce back to life?... I've been listening to a few in the past half hour... I suppose it's the only rush I get any more. I can't go to the gym because of my tachycardia... The gym was the only place I could really let go. Turn my iPod up loud (my eardrums sometimes popped) and sweat out the pain. Now it has to come out in tears.

The sad songs are ones that I heard with him, or that he played to me...They were the type of songs I secretly always wished were his way of opening up to me but really they weren't. That was wishful thinking. Like the rest of our relationship.

I have to let him go, I have to let him move on... So I can let myself.
I have to stop punishing myself. I have to get myself out of this mindset of darkness and hurt. I am the only person who can let someone hurt me.

-
No milk today, even though I have a lot in the fridge. I just haven't felt the urge. I did have some yoghurt though. The yummy one I buy myself as a treat... It's honey flavoured (AMAZINGLY thick) and has apricots and more honey ontop. MMhhmm.

Goodnight world...

Got Milk? Cause I did!

Supermarket trip was eventful... As was my day at work.

I look after primary school aged kiddlywinks and they're the cutest things since marshmellow peeps. A few of them saw my belly moving today from my wee girl. The questions were hilarious "what if she wee's?"... "what if she's sick and you can't get to her to give her medicine?" ... and more along those curious little lines.

The sun sets too early for my liking, e.g before 6pm. And the kids are wanting to get out and run around because they've been doing that for the past 6 months... but they can't because they start coughing, wheezing and sneezing. So ofcourse I look like the big bad wolf when I tell them to come inside, but adults know best...

The mad rush in the dark to get home is just horrible. Even getting to the car from my work (a good 30 metres) is bad enough because I don't dress 'night time' appropriate at 2pm when I leave for work. SILLY ME.

Tonight was supermarket (MILK) night. It was hellish relish, I can tell you that much. My car heater is temperamental and tonight was an "i-don't-really-feel-like-working" night for the wee starlet '93. The supermarket was PACKED and I hate those people who only focus on their little bubble; which consists of them and their trolley. I have to just stand behind them trying to get to the ONE jar of something that happens to be beside their trolley which they are blocking because they're wondering about what toilet paper to get... Well the toilet paper is isles away so go on your merry way and when you get there; think about it. Don't think about 3-ply beside the Chicken Korma.

So I got my milk and my chicken breasts (not to replace mine, although I wish) and cleared the hell off out of there.

I'm now at home and sitting cross legged on the couch crying (jeez didn't see that coming) over two people kissing on Greys.

I miss the passion/emotions that I don't get to experience any more. I miss who he made me. He made me so many versions of myself in a day that I didn't have time to remember the bad feelings from yesterday... Albeit the bad feelings he made me feel but still valid.

I'm heartbroken over the fact he's now making someone else feel all the things I felt. It's like he kept my clothes and he's letting someone else wear them. I will never wear those clothes again, and maybe that's a good thing. My big belly doesn't fit in them. I don't feel right in them and he doesn't and wouldn't know how to make me feel right any more. Because that takes effort and emotion; personality. It takes time.

Life baffles me sometimes. Why do people say they love each other yet let each other go? Why do people fight for those who aren't worth it... And then never admit that they've made a mistake... And wasted time that should have been spent some where else....

I never tell others I love them because no one knows what it is. It's merely a word when it's not shown. They throw it around like a ball... And I can speak for the people in my life who do such a thing as throwing it around... Because I know if you love someone you do NOT lie, you do not CHEAT, you do not STEAL, you do not cry to them and expect sympathy yet never give it back. Love is an equal, silent, peaceful magnetic pull between people. So how can you lie about loving someone, if you don't even know what it is...

I know what love is, because I do it everyday. I love my job and the little hands holding anothers, the jam on faces, the fingers pointing to every word they read in the book and the little pauses between the words. I love my bed and how it gives me what I need and want, at the same time. I love my rats and how one is obese and the other is anorexic- such character in tiny packages. And on that note; I love my little girl. She is the kids at work, my bed, and my rats.

I could spend hours thinking aloud or quietly and yet nothing I think would make a difference. It's acting upon those thoughts that makes a difference.

This little baby girl inside me; has me. And I have her. I think and KNOW, that we are all we need. She doesn't *need* liars, cheaters, stealers, and takers, in her life. She needs people that will love her and not just write it, or text it, or say it. But people who will do it and show her.

I'm sick of seeing it on paper, online, and in my hand on my cellphone. When I can touch it; it means nothing. If I can feel it around me, inside me, and on my lips, then I'll believe it.

Time for some milk.

Alas, it is Monday

Why is there no milk in the fridge yet there is milk somehow magically forming in me? I feel like a cow. A biiiig momma cow.

And it's sort of like those situations (that I've never been in) that end up with someone saying "water water everywhere but not a drop to drink". Except this is "milk milk everywhere and not a drop to drink". . . Urgh.

Today has been one hell of a day....Woke up and went to doctors straight away. Which my body wasn't happy about; I was *almost* sick, many many times. I got Subway for lunch which was really good, because it involved no dishes and no effort. McDonalds was just as great; I could LIVE off sweet chilli wraps.Mmm.

So after lunch, work rolled around. As did trying on clothes (and crying over them) and throwing them across the house. I'm sick of the mirror, I'm sick of peoples eyes, I'm sick of makeup and my long hair and the fact I need to dye it more than I need to brush it... I'm so tired all the time and its mostly of my own whinging and crying. I do this weird howling thing like I'm doing now; my hair is all over my face and its making me want to punch myself. My lip piercing keeps coming out and my tongue piercing pissed me RIGHT off last week so it's long gone.

I made an egg sandwich for dinner (yes, more dishes;bad move) and thoroughly checked the bread for mould before toasting it. Clearly I did not check well enough; that or my bread grows magical mould that only flourishes when heated in the toaster... So, egg sandwich ended up in the rubbish and I ended up in tears on the kitchen floor.

I feel like such a sap it's ridiculous. I ended up making porridge for tea with water not milk and that turned into glue; which was edible. Then ate half a peppermint ice-cream, which surprisingly was less edible than the bowl of glue.

So the day most definitely has been one that shall not be remembered. I have itches all over that are driving me insane and no I do not have fleas or scabies. I'm just restless and sick of things. I have a list of 'to do's before my baby girl is due (121 days to go) and I can't seem to tick anything off apart from myself!!!

1.Dryclean cot duvet inner as it smells like sheep.

2. Buy a new camera as some fat ox stood on mine.

3. Laminate her wall frieze so it doesn't go funny.

4. Buy baby bath and some more socks for her.

5. B R E A T H E.

I've had enough of my back, and neck. And boobs that house more milk than my freaking fridge ever will.

At the doctors, it said I'd gained another 7 kgs but I think this is wrong... Very wrong. And we'll just stick with that. DENIAL.

I'm sick of being stalked and watched by a few certain people, I feel like a criminal doing time but it's not FOR anything. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

I hope this too shall bloody pass because if it doesn't then I will.