But it didn't.
My pregnancy in 2009/2010 continued, however, and now I have an almost-3 year old.
Either way, I think I'd still be muddling along in life with no huge career goal or ambition... Only the goals inside myself to become a better person- which seems like bullshit but it's true. I've come a long long way in the past few years and I've only really got myself to thank for that.
I'm not trying to shift the responsibility at all here, or point fingers or any of that... But I think the reasons I never really knew what I wanted to "do" was because all the jobs around me seemed so bad.
My dads job (in a child's view) took him away from me.
The teachers at school humiliated and bullied me as much as the other children did.
The doctors never believed me.
List goes on. But basically I didn't really have anyone to aspire to, or anyone where I could say "wow, hey, I want to be like them!".
Hairdressers ruined my hair. Checkout operators were rude. People in malls were so busy and loud and pushy. Again, I could go on. I guess a part of it was my anxiety disorder but at had to stem from somewhere huh?
My nannies were the only ones who were there... And I guess that's why for years I wanted to work with children...
My point was, because of my life, my upbringing and the people in my life; I never knew what I wanted to do. I knew what I wanted to BE, though:
Confident. So I could go outside without a panic attack.
Brave. So I could face the blood tests to make sure I was okay.
Strong. So I could fight the bullies back.
Humourous. So I didn't cry.
Witty. So I wasn't seen as stupid.
Loving. So I could give out, what I wanted in return.
I think I've become those. Perhaps a little too late but this is okay. I did everything else a little too early!
Lately I've been pondering what it is I'm passionate about. I love writing- evidently- and I love creating things like redoing furniture or making art. I really like wine and beer but let's not think of that as a career, more a hobby (a very rare hobby). I love children but I think I only love my own enough to deal with on a daily basis.
I'm not PASSIONATE about office work but I know I'm good at it. I know I could support my family on it. That's enough, for me, right now.
I'd love to be a midwife. I hate blood and guts but I think I could do it to help bring a life into this world. I don't care about vaginas and pooing on the bed and people wanting to swear at me- well I care if its not at work, haha. But really. I would love to be "needed" and I'd love to offer support to people who appreciate and want/need it.
A "doula" would be my first choice, out of midwifery or that, but in this city it's not such a big thing. My ultimate dream is to, one day, start a doula centre or midwifery and doula centre for solo or single mothers- teens or not- if you're alone in it, you're alone. There needs to be some support out there. Someone that you can text or call anytime with questions or emotional concerns; someone who treats you with respect but also treats you like a friend and you to them. Obviously a relationship has to be built over time- which is why there's 9 months to do that! My midwives made me feel like a pain and like they weren't being paid enough to support me...
Pregnancy shouldn't be so scary. I'm not going to go on about mine but people in my life scared the bejesus out of me, for no other reason than to try make me realise it "wouldn't be that easy". Did they seriously think that I thought it'd be easy?! I spent nearly every night, alone, in tears, wondering whether I could "do it" or not. I didnt finish school, so how could I raise a child?! - someone said that to me and I stupidly asked myself every single day. I put on my confident pants and tightened the belt around my bump; I told myself it was too late now and I was going to be a damn good mother whether I did 4 loads of washing a day or had bleeding nipples.
I didnt have one particular person who I could turn to; as a friend, a medical professional (doulas aren't so much medical professionals, but they are supposed to know a fair amount), someone who I felt safe with.... It's hard to explain but I feel I'd love to give women the support I didn't have.
The support i did have, was great support, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't anyone's actual job to be there for me.. You know what I mean...
Long story there, can't really say "long story short" now but that is my dream. It's what I'm passionate about.
But as I'm a parent... I must put my child first. No way in HELL is anyone going to force me to "go study and do it". Studying, doing the hard yards, it doesn't scare me.
Putting my daughter second, or first equal, with a career- that is what terrifies me.
It doesn't mean I'm going to "sit on my ass on the benefit" forever. But my plan is my plan- am I in some way ruining your life by living mine? Didn't think so!
Neither one of my parents were fully there. I guess in a way, who's are? I can't blame my mum as she was, and is, very unwell- and she did all she could, but in the big picture she wasn't there. My dad worked a lot, he wasn't there too often.. and it's taken me 20 years to forgive him even though I never wanted to hold it against him... I'd never hold it against him, I just wish he knew that I would've rather had a picnic in the backyard than a trip to Fiji- if it meant I got a week without sharing him with a computer or a phone.
It is HORRIBLE, feeling that you're being timed, or that you're a nuisance. It is honestly the most hurtful feeling I can explain. Being bullied, humiliated, emotionally fucked over- even by your own "family", has nothing on feeling like you're competing with something/ someone else.
I had it with my dad, my mum, my babies father. I've never come first. Maybe they've said it, or intended on me coming first, or atleast being a priority.... But actions speak so much louder than words.
As a child, I would show my dad something on the tv or show him a book- whatever it was. And I felt extremely anxious when he wouldn't sit down to let me show him. Or if he had his shoes on, a phone in his hand, looked at his watch.... I constantly felt I had to go over and above the line, to keep him interested in what I was passionate about.
It was the same with my daughters father. Constantly felt timed, rushed, unappreciated, unwanted... I have always, always competed with his business or other women, whether i've wanted to or not- its how he made it.
It's a very painful memory and what hurts me even more than that; is that my daughter makes me take my shoes off; she makes me put my phone or iPad down, she takes me by the hand and makes me sit down, she gets me into bed with her and under the covers....
She is already showing me signs of how an anxiety disorder is born or How depression morphs from little feelings to huge, bellowing emotions that cripple you and suck the passion out of you for years on end...
I am terrified for her. My anxiety disorder is slowly sinking behind me, with the rest of my painful past, as I am trying so hard to move forward... But I am scared that she will feel what I felt.
I am exhausted, mentally physically emotionally exhausted, from trying to tell our family about how to stop this happening. Fuck, trust me, I would bloody know how to stop it happening. I would know.
Please take time to listen to me before you have to take time to listen to her at 21 in a psychiatrists chair telling you the same thing.
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