Green Bird

My head is aching, badly, and the sneaky glass of wine isn't helping.

My mind is wavering between "It's okay, I can't make him happy any more, I have to accept it and move on with my life"  and "I finally let him break the walls down again for the first time in years, and he says he's ready and loves me, then rejects me. Why?! How can I be willing to forgive him for his mistakes, and love him again, yet he can't do the same for me...".

My heart? It's hiding under the bed, I think.


In short (which won't be short at all); I've been stuck to this man since the day we met- 19th September 2008. He has set up shop in the back of my mind, heart- the back of everything. Sometimes he ventures out and clogs my vision- sometimes he is all there is. Someone may as well have handcuffed us together that first night. Although we have never lived together, we have been very close.

We have a beautiful daughter together who arrived almost 2 years to the day we met. She has brought me back to life and I will never forget that; the day she was born, I was re-born.

At the beginning of the year, after what- 3 years on and off-, I began to really fall out of love with him. I realised my needs (as a mother, a partner and a woman) weren't being met. I needed wholehearted commitment and I needed support (financial but mostly emotional). We weren't right for each other even though we considered ourselves to be each others 'soulmate'. For months on end he has begged me to go back to him; but I've felt nothing. I turned myself off from him because I knew we wouldn't work and he wasn't ready to settle down with his family.

To me, a soulmate is a best friend on a level previously untouched. A soulmate is someone who doesn't necessarily make your stomach jump with excitement, but they comfort your whole body with a smile. They are that puzzle piece you could never find; you know the one I mean- you put together a 1000 piece puzzle and you go to click that last piece in but low and behold it has grown legs and buggered off. Let's say I started this puzzle in 2003 and in 2008 I found the missing piece. After 5 years I was beginning to lose hope- I thought maybe it'd been vacuumed up or the cat had eaten it. But no, this puzzle piece stepped out (I guess it did grow legs) of a white Caldina in a fur-rimmed hooded jacket, jeans and skate shoes at 8pm on a cold Friday evening.

It was about August this year when things went really 'belly up' for us. For all those months that had passed, while he was begging to have me back (on his terms, not mine), he was skiving around with other women. I don't really want to go into the whole story but it was nothing new. What hurt the most was that he had not only been lying to me, but himself too. He told me that he had changed and there was no one else; that it was only me he wanted, I was enough, etc etc blah blah blah. It was very painful but the anger took over my hurt and tears. I was running on adrenalin for weeks.

A few days after our blow up; after I found out about what had been going on, and I confronted him, I decided to see a lawyer. I needed a parenting order (set hours and times, written in a signed contract) because I knew our communication was going to break down many times in the future- not just now. I knew what our wee girls routine was, and what she was/wasn't ready for. He fought it, because he thought I was trying to take her away from him- which I'd never do unless her safety was being compromised. Eventually things got really out of hand and I made contact with him to try and talk him down from wherever the hell he was going with all of this, as he was threatening 'court'.

For the first time in our 4 year 'relationship', we connected. I apologised to him for letting our relationship fall apart although I knew/know it was nowhere near my fault- we were both to blame. I apologised for not being there for him, but it was his lack of being able to communicate with me, that caused the lying and sneaking around etc. If only he had told me that he loved me but was going to move on; the lies would never have happened, the hurt could have been saved.

We decided, after a few days and a meeting with both our lawyers, that we would try and make it work properly. I bought the shower gel, the stupid shampoo and the toothbrush. He bought himself a coffee machine. We were going to finally commit;  with truths being said every day to each other and honesty at every corner- even FORCING ourselves (maybe just myself) to admit to how we were feeling instead of just saying "F U" over text. I cooked him dinners again. We woke up with our wee girl running into the bedroom, she squeezed herself between us and said "MUM! DAD!" over and over with a huge smile. I was over the moon; not just to feel loved/love him again but to see her so happy from something so simple. I grew up with my parents divorced so never really felt that 'love', I suppose. I always missed my mum when I was at dads, and my dad when I was at mums. It was horrible.

Then, he stopped staying. He owns his own business (works from home) and over-commits to that. Always has, always will probably. I know why he has to but what frustrates me is that he doesn't work set hours, so can't be here to get our girl into bed/have dinner with us etc.. It's just barbaric to me as I grew up having dinner with my dad every night I was there, he was and IS a workaholic but always made sure he was there for me until I went to bed (then he'd work some more!). From my perspective, he takes on too much work and can't make the deadlines anyway. He likes to hide behind his desk- not even working all the time. Not ONCE in the 4 years I've known him, have we ever spent a weekend together without him working/going home to work. We went to Akaroa in April for my 21st and the second we got home he went back to his house to work. Again, I grew up like that, always waiting for my dad to say "Right, better go work"- I always felt I had to try and compete for his attention and it did destroy a bit of me I don't think I'll ever get back.

Anyway so he stopped staying. I felt I was losing him. I told him he was either going to have to step up, commit, support, work certain hours/be here certain times for our daughter- or to simply stay away, if he couldn't do those things for us to work. He said he didn't know what to do. As soon as I start 'pressuring' him (this is why I switched off from him earlier in the year and decided to give up) he backs up- but tells me it's my fault for pushing him away. As soon as I need him (I don't ever want to relive my 31 hour labour again) he's gone, or here, but completely distant and uncomfortable. It was July 2010 when he first stayed with me for a night- after nearly 2 yrs.

It's been a week or two since I gave him that ultimatum. I don't know the exact quantity of tears I have cried- it must be a lot because the skin around my eyes has literally burnt away (see attached picture below, it hurts a lot!). I don't know how many prayers I've said- I'm not religious. I don't know how many times my mum has told me to walk away. I don't know how much weight I've lost or gained- I've not eaten much but have drunk a lot of wine (not too much, I'm a responsible parent!!!). I don't really know how many headaches, how many stomach aches, how many 'WHY ME''s have been asked to no one in particular... I don't know much any more. But I do know this is worse than 31 hours of labour. I would rather birth 20 babies than this (no it's not an invitation!). I broke my toe a few weekends ago and I would rather do that one hundred times more than deal with this pain. For a long time I have known that if I were to 'try again' with him, if it went wrong, no one would care- they all think I'm stupid for letting him back in, they think that I bring on my own problems... So I haven't really told anyone about what I've been going through, in fear of being stomped on even more than he has done to me.

It might seem all very dramatic- but picture this:
A gorgeous little green bird has been locked in a cage for a very long time, eating the bits she's been given-sometimes really nice birdseed, sometimes a bloody good cracker... Then she decides she doesn't want to live like that; having great food every now and again, waiting for it, loving it, then not knowing when it's coming back- sometimes she doesn't get fed for days. So she gives up on the food. She just perches, with her eyes closed, hoping for some sort of 'great warrior bird' to rescue her. Days, months and what seem like the longest nights in her life, seem to drag on by. Suddenly, she is moved into a sunnier area of the house. She is fed by a new hand, some pretty good birdseed comes every day now. She is beginning to feel things might be good for longer than she thought. She is let out of her cage for the first time. She feels the wind under her emerald wings and hops from chair to chair. She lets the new man pick her up, even though she is wary because no one has ever been this nice to her; she lets him. The new man is gentle and caring, he strokes her head and feathers- she buries into his neck and feels safe for once. Then one morning she wakes up and it's dark again. Someone throws her a cracker. She's not fed for days and her water turns as green as her feathers. Her hope is gone. She closes her eyes and tries to forget that things were perfect for such a short time- maybe it wasn't real at all.

Now, tell me (or don't), do you get where I'm coming from...?

I'm closing my eyes now.